Down The Rabbit's hole

….”It’s all part of my rock and roll fantasy.” - Bad Company (1979)

As you surely know by this time, my encyclopedic knowledge of pop music is the stuff of legend – befitting my unofficial title of “most phoned friend”, as it relates to that genre.

As I ponder the above lyric, it occurs to me that since I spend so much time in my fantasy world, the Speed Demons who hang on my every utterance (Greenspanning, I call it) would love to learn more about that magical place. Here’s a glimpse:

Another Saturday (every day is Saturday) dawned brightly; I was awakened gently by the singing of birds and the warm aroma of a full breakfast – prepared just to my liking – wafting upwards to my sleep chamber. As I untangled myself from the gentle embrace of my goose-down comforter and slipped into my soft, plush slippers, the pleasant memories of the previous evening’s revelry brought a slight smile to my lips. Gentlemanly discretion prevents me from revealing the details; let’s just say there were no unsatisfied customers.

Soon after wiping the vestiges of perfectly prepared Eggs Benedict off my face, I set to work on the NY Times crossword and Sudoku Gold puzzles. Dispatching these with my customary aplomb (in ink, no mistakes), I took a beachside stroll. It was then I spotted a small, golden lamp, barely revealed by the moon’s irresistible effect on the receding tide. Naturally, I picked it up, cleaned it off and, as you might expect, rubbed the artifact - producing an ephemeral, shimmering visage of a killer goddess (doesn’t it always?).  

After introducing herself and announcing her intention to grant my wishes, she carefully explained that I might wish for the strength of Hercules, the body of Adonis, matinee-idol good looks, the intellect of Einstein, the wealth of Gates and the athletic ability of Thorpe.

Time passed, and I waited patiently as this genie recited the remaining 38 options at my disposal, although the more she explained, the more frustrated she seemed to grow. It seems the futility of that exercise became increasingly apparent. She hung her head and sobbed, “Sorry Speed, I forgot who I was dealing with.” I lightly kissed her brow and returned her to her gilded home; I placed the lamp back into the sand from whence it came – to await discovery by a needier recipient.

By now, the sun’s edges were melting into the azure blue horizon, signaling the afternoon’s end and the start of happy hour. Soon enough, I was ensconced at my favorite table, in my favorite haunt, surrounded by my favorite companions. We made short work of the repast that followed, lubricated by only the finest of libations, and the balance of the night was spent in gloriously clever, high-browed discourse.

Naturally, throughout the evening the assemblage of well-wishers and Demon wanna-bes constituted a parade to my table, each seeking a word, a glance, a touch that might make both their evening, and a fond memory with which to regale their family and friends – for generations to come.

Later, I became aware of, and ultimately succumbed to the impish suggestions made by my winsome companion. Again, delicacy precludes the recitation of what next occurred; suffice it to say that we sped to a discreet location, our emotions fueled by the combination of danger and excitement that only my 500 horsepower Ferrari can engender. Soon, exhausted, I slept the peaceful slumber of the innocents. A day well spent…………

Editor’s note: In the interest of full disclosure, the following is the TRUE first person account of what happened that same day:

I got up from a night on the uncomfortable sofa; as usual, I was incredibly stiff and sore. I had tea & toast while I watched the rain pour down. I read the soggy comics in the paper and then watched seven hours of infomercials on TV. 

I got what was left in the change bottle and went to buy a lottery ticket. After the drawing, I gave myself a nasty paper cut tearing up my loser. I made myself a Spam sandwich and fell asleep in the recliner, watching SportsCenter. Yet another day in paradise …..