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As I watch the year of Our Lord 2012 stumble and lurch to a close, nary a day passes without someone offering up a listing of the "Year's Best" of this or that. Because in my alternate reality, plagiarism is a virtue, not a vice, I've decideed to compile a listing of my own to share with you good followers. I expect a few hide-bound legalists to protest any annual listing created prior to the end of a given year; to you I offer this - what if the Mayans are right, ever think of that?Owing to the global nature of my interests, I shan't limit this traipse through mundanity to a single genre; rather, it is my intent to cut a broad a swath possible. As such, here are my award winners:
Mother Of The Year
Winner: Patricia Krentcil (aka "Tanning Mom") - This bat-shit crazy lady first burst onto the scene in May of this year, when her arrest for endangering the welfare of a child was first reported. It was alleged that she took her 5-year old daughter into the tanning booth with her, in a rabid attempt to become a human Slim Jim. In her rambling denial, Krentcil offered the following in her defense, "Any mother that makes an accusation about me is not a mother, because I'm a great mother and would never do that to my child." She continued, "There's somebody out there on my whole life that doesn't like me because they're jealous, they're fat and they're ugly." 
This copper-toned crank followed up her proud "moment in the sun" with a slobbering performance at a New York drag show in August. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2195664/Patricia-Krentcil-Tanning-mom-kicked-stage-New-York-drag-control-drunk.html 
First Runner-Up: Sarah Burge (aka "The Human Barbie") - She's so over-the-top focused on the ideal body that she presented her 7-year old daughter with a gift certificate for liposuction. How nurturing.
Creep Of The Year
Winner: Jerry Sandusky - This is a slam dunk. His crimes were too horrible for even me to skewer.First Runner-Up: Jimmy Savile (Awarded Postumously) - Although he died last year, Jimmy's actions over 6 decades came to light this year with hundreds of allegations of child sex abuse. Like Sandusky, Jimmy's employer (the BBC) stands accused of enabling and not acting on information they'd received, regarding his actions. I won't dignify this loathsome creature with an image - look him up for yourself if you're so inclined.
Worst Prediction Of The Year
Winner: Daily Kos (A blog that publishes news and opinions, whose efforts are primarily directed toward influencing and strengthening the Democratic Party) - Their October 20th, 2012 edition featured a story entitled "Injecting reality into the Hurricane Sandy discussion, re: the Northeast", wherein they pooh poohed the notion that Sandy would cause significant damage, and opine that it will likely not make landfall in the U.S. 
First Runner-Up: Wayne Allen Root (American politician. entrepreneur, television & radio personality, author and political commentator) - On October 9th, Root penned an opinion piece that outlined his reason for predicting a Romney landslide victory in the November election. Oops... http://www.foxnews.com/opinion/2012/10/09/romney-will-win-in-landslide-las-vegas-oddsmaker-doubles-down-on-prediction/
Dumbest Sum'bitch Of The Year
Winner: Thomas Grant - This wing-nut shot his 6-year old cousin, who was dressed in a black costume and hat with a white feather for Holloween, mistaking her for a skunk. Apparently, Tommy Boy inherited his weapons-grade stupidity, as it was his mother who initially spotted the "varmint", then shined a flashlight on what they both had to believe was the largest skunk ever, while her little man leveled a shotgun blast at the unfortunate tyke.
There you have it my dears; once again Speed has not disappointed. I invite those of you who are so inclined, to submit their own suggestions for award catagories and nominees. I'll be happy to publish those I deem worthy. Until next time, I remain your Dream Come True....... Rego!
