Citizens:
Clearly, your beloved author is having trouble getting the engine of inspiration fired up; the foggy malaise that serves as my daily companion apparently functions as a speed restricter, insidiously attached to the Formula-1 like creative machine under my hood.
Fortunately, the taproots of innovation and resourcefullness run deep. I'm determined to not allow a few minor setbacks, speed bumps if you will, as I roar down life's highway, dampen my outlook. Enduring vicissitudes such as unemployment, expiring health care and the numbing feeling of sameness that accompanies each dawn, usually results in an armadillo-like curl into a fetal position, accompanied by repeated shrieks of "It isn't fair!"irritates me not; in fact, my stoicism in the face of circumstance that would break lesser men, is downright Churchillian.
It is because of this unflaggingly sunny disposition, and the positive karma created thereby, that my legendary generosity invariably bubbles to the surface. As I approach yet another anniversary of my birth, it occurs that others celebrate birthdays - and, if they're anything like me, the gifts they receive are coveted far more than the solicitous actions that accompany them they appreciate even the smallest gifts, and value their relationship with the giver, above all. In light of this, I'd like to offer my thoughts regarding some gifts that might be appropriate for a few notable folks, on their next birthday.
Linda Thompson - More than anything, our current, but soon to be former Mayor needs a hug. She placed a dissapointing 3rd in the recent Primary Election, losing to 2 other candidates whose primary qualifications seemed to be that they were NOT Linda Thompson. Though her spirits were initially low, she was apparently bouyed by her strong showing against the 4th candidate, whose campaign was seemingly co-managed from afar by the firm of Hazelwood & Schettino (you're on your own for these references - if you teach a man to fish, etc.).
Sergio Garcia - Holy cow, has any golfer not named Tiger Woods ever had a worse 3 weeks in the public eye? It wasn't enough to engage the aforementioned TW in a petty b-slapping episode at the TPC a few weeks back, but he's now decided to impart some fairly tone-deaf whisky wisdom regarding his rival. Sergio should receive a gift certificate to the orthodontist of his choosing. Wiring his jaw shut for a month or so would serve this career B-lister well.
<Editor's note - if more than one certificate is made available, it should be forwarded to the Governor's mansion>
Andy Dick & Wynonna Judd - 2 right shoes; enough said.
O.J. Simpson - It's amazing how this worthless POS keeps popping up on our collective radar. As he awaits the ruling on his latest appeal, and according to statements is planning a speaking tour when he's finally released, he's in desperate need for a Weight Watchers membership. I was unaware that there were buffets in prison.
Well kids, the grey veil of hopelessness once again attempts to envelope me. I've reached a point where, since legitimate, legal career options are few and far between, I muse about a life of crime. As I've often fantasized, with no base in reality as I gaze lovingly in the mirror been told I resemble Warren Beatty, I'm thinking about emulating the Barrow gang, with their high-speed chases, daring exploits and outwitting the authorities. I'll need a Bonnie though; any takers (applications currently being accepted)?
Another thought is to take the trail blazed by that paragon of deep thought, Soupy Sales; frankly, this has significant appeal for me. The guy was a genius. http://www.snopes.com/radiotv/tv/soupy1.asp
That's all for now cherished ones; stay warm. Aliquando ego ipse stupet..........
