Piling On

Cisterns:
     The revelatory events of the past week, once again serve as fodder for my delerious ramble literary luminescence. As a professional courtesy, I should maintain my silence with regard to the unpleasantness surrounding one of my brothers-in-prevarication, Manti Te'o. However, it would be criminally negligent to pass on the opportunity to use this pathetic experience as a teaching moment for all my little Speed Demons. 

     By now, you're certainly aware of the unfortunate bean spilling by Deadspin, and their myth-shattering expose of this poor fellow's feel good story. At this point, only those living north of the 38th parallel regard M.T.'s story plausible.
     As one who routinely blurs a keen observer of the fine line between truth and fiction, I wondered where, in the annals of imaginary characters, this one falls. Of course, Manti's ephemeral gal-pal doesn't rate icon status in the Fictional Character Hall of Fame; that rare air is occupied by the likes of Santa Claus, Mickey Mouse, Paul Bunyan, et al. As such, let's examine how this imaginary figment stacks up against what we'll call the B-List of fabricated luminaries.
TOP SHELF - These characters are not as beloved as those fictional super-stars I've mentioned, but nonetheless occupy a reverential position in our culture. Examples of these are: Cinderella, Dracula, William Tell and G.I. Joe. Our dearly (sorta) departed Lennay Kekua, while an intriguing and still-evolving personage, will likely never approach the acceptance required for inclusion with this group.
Middlers - This is the largest group, and is populated by those for whom, at their mention, we nod and smile warmly, but hold no real emotional connection with. Examples of these are: Tom Sawyer, Cupid, Frankenstein, King Arthur and The Marlboro Man. Manti's dream-girl may one day ascend to this plane, but much more must be invented learned about her ( although, her faux-death experience is a good start).


Bottom Feeders - This collection is mostly occupied by anonymous creations like trolls, fairies and left-wingers. A few notable exceptions, whose names we remember are: Barbie, Joe Camel, Nancy Drew and The Little Engine That Could. Certainly, Lennay's candidacy has received a jump-start by the voracious attention this sad story has received (oh, and by the way, Lance Armstrong owes Manti Te'o dinner at a restaurant of his choosing), so it's quite possible that her application for permanent inclusion into this exclusive fraternity/sorority will be approved - albeit, posthumously; God rest her imaginary soul.
    
     Let there be a lesson for you all in this story of the little linebacker that cried wolf; be careful what you wish for - she might die, or not........

1 Corinthians 15:55


BONUS TRACK ALERT!!!
Check out this prescient cut from the Atlanta Rhythm Section from 1978:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZHimj-crMrA

Clearin' It Up

Somnambulists:

     A belated Happy New Year to you all! I apologize for the tardy posting, but this Griz was hibernating the combined Christmas, Hanukah, Kwanza and Festivus hangovers somehow prevented me from cranking up the enthusiasm required to provide this communion-like editorial experience.
     I did notice however, that during my bohemian exile there was a plethora of newsworthy events. Of course, these were dutifully reported by various mainstream and independent news outlets; mostly, an embarrasing display of shallow, indolent journalism. Unsurprisingly, I've been bombarded by requests for aid in comprehending these many pre-packaged, unsophisticated reports.

     So, I've decided to, once again, infuse your world with my ceaseless banalities ride cavalry-like to the rescue, continuing my tireless efforts to expand my readership's ken. To accomplish this, I'll provide the most salient of news items that have occured since my last post, and endow my demons with the lucidity most require to comprehend such intricate and complex topics - via relevant, interpretive observations.

News Item: Mayans Miss the Mark - Sun Rises December 22

Commentary: Seriously, did anyone with a post-elementary education truly believe that this was an accurate prediction; did you do any holiday shopping? I rest my case. This didn't quite rise to the absurdity level of the Y2K frenzy, but it received way more notice than it merited.

News Item: America Goes Over the Fiscal Cliff (sort of)

Commentary: By now, you're certainly awash in the banalities of our nation's "fiscal cliff", so I won't tax you further. Suffice it to say that there are no good guys in this. Both political parties dug their heels in early on, and gave star turns playing their roles of the Scorpion and the Frog. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/TheScorpion and the Frog

News Item: Alabama & Notre Dame Played For National Title
Commentary: This was the NCAA's latest iteration of the "Game of the Century" (we have one every year). Typically, my interests are less pedestrian than this; however, it's in this shameless pandering to the lowest common denominator of my subscribers, that I shine most brilliantly, like a diamond. The game itself - not so much.

News Item: Beyonce' Plays Super Bowl XLVII Halftime Show

Commentary: This is what happens when cryogenics goes horribly wrong. Somehow, the stored reproductivity of Caligula joined that of Gypsy Rose Lee, producing the most obnoxiously garish spectacle imaginable. The apocolypse is upon us!

Bonus Track Alert!!!

     As an added delight, I'm introducing a feature entitled, "What If They'd Hooked Up?" (see inspirational news item, above). Simply put, had nature taken it's course with certain individuals of note, the results are - in some instances - predictable.


 
~ Liberace + Annette Funicello = Justin Bieber
~ Haystacks Calhoon + Minnie Pearl = Honey Boo Boo
~ Judy Garland + Willie Sutton = Lindsay Lohan
~ Kim Jong Il + Elaine Benes = Psy
~ Methuselah + P.T. Barnum = Barbara Walters
~ Kato Kelin + Rosie the Riveter = Ty Pennington
 
     All right my little beams of sunlight, that's all for now. Penning this installment has shaken me from my malaise and, with regard to my estimable reservoir of creative juice, the pedal is to the metal. Stay tuned .....
Usquequaque reputo

 



    

    

The Envelope Please

Birds Of A Feather:
     I'm certain that you're so over my incessant, interruptive ravings addicted with all things Speed; it's not surprising. Take comfort little ones, in the knowledge that once again, I've failed you not.
     As I  watch the year of Our Lord 2012 stumble and lurch to a close, nary a day passes without someone offering  up a listing of the "Year's Best" of this or that. Because in my alternate reality, plagiarism is a virtue, not a vice, I've decideed to compile a listing of my own to share with you good followers. I expect a few hide-bound legalists to protest any annual listing created prior to the end of a given year; to you I offer this - what if the Mayans are right, ever think of that?
     Owing to the global nature of my interests, I shan't limit this traipse through mundanity to a single genre; rather, it is my intent to cut a broad a swath possible. As such, here are my award winners:

Mother Of The Year

Winner: Patricia Krentcil (aka "Tanning Mom") - This bat-shit crazy lady first burst onto the scene in May of this year, when her arrest for endangering the welfare of a child was first reported. It was alleged that she took her 5-year old daughter into the tanning booth with her, in a rabid attempt to become a human Slim Jim. In her rambling denial, Krentcil offered the following in her defense, "Any mother that makes an accusation about me is not a mother, because I'm a great mother and would never do that to my child." She continued, "There's somebody out there on my whole life that doesn't like me because they're jealous, they're fat and they're ugly." 
     This copper-toned crank followed up her proud "moment in the sun" with a slobbering performance at a New York drag show in August. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2195664/Patricia-Krentcil-Tanning-mom-kicked-stage-New-York-drag-control-drunk.html
First Runner-Up: Sarah Burge (aka "The Human Barbie") - She's so over-the-top focused on the ideal body that she presented her 7-year old daughter with a gift certificate for liposuction. How nurturing.

Creep Of The Year

Winner: Jerry Sandusky - This is a slam dunk. His crimes were too horrible for even me to skewer.
First Runner-Up: Jimmy Savile (Awarded Postumously) - Although he died last year, Jimmy's actions over 6 decades came to light this year with hundreds of allegations of child sex abuse. Like Sandusky, Jimmy's employer (the BBC) stands accused of enabling and not acting on information they'd received, regarding his actions. I won't dignify this loathsome creature with an image - look him up for yourself if you're so inclined.

Worst Prediction Of The Year

Winner: Daily Kos (A blog that publishes news and opinions, whose efforts are primarily directed toward influencing and strengthening the Democratic Party) - Their October 20th, 2012 edition featured a story entitled "Injecting reality into the Hurricane Sandy discussion, re: the Northeast", wherein they pooh poohed the notion that Sandy would cause significant damage, and opine that it will likely not make landfall in the U.S. This just proves that brains are not a requisite for publishing a blog. Obviously, an honest mistake.     http://www.dailykos.com/story/2012/10/23/1149184/-Injecting-reality-into-the-Hurricane-Sandy-discussion-re-  
First Runner-Up: Wayne Allen Root (American politician. entrepreneur, television & radio personality, author and political commentator) - On October 9th, Root penned an opinion piece that outlined his reason for predicting a Romney landslide victory in the November election. Oops... http://www.foxnews.com/opinion/2012/10/09/romney-will-win-in-landslide-las-vegas-oddsmaker-doubles-down-on-prediction/

Dumbest Sum'bitch Of The Year

Winner: Thomas Grant - This wing-nut shot his 6-year old cousin, who was dressed in a black costume and hat with a white feather for Holloween, mistaking her for a skunk. Apparently, Tommy Boy inherited his weapons-grade stupidity, as it was his mother who initially spotted the "varmint", then shined a flashlight on what they both had to believe was the largest skunk ever, while her little man leveled a shotgun blast at the unfortunate tyke.

First Runner-Up: Joseph Shea - Throwing caution to the wind is apparently Joey's signature move. Westhampton police arrested the tabernacle, NJ party boy when he drove drunk to the police station at 6:45am on Thanksgiving Day, to pick up a friend - who had been charged with DUI just hours earlier. Well played, my friend.

     There you have it my dears; once again Speed has not disappointed. I invite those of you who are so inclined, to submit their own suggestions for award catagories and nominees. I'll be happy to publish those I deem worthy. Until next time, I remain your Dream Come True....... Rego!

Say what you mean; mean what you say.

Pilgrims:

     As a value-added benefit of your subscription to this revelatory missive, provided is a primer on understanding what I'll call illusory speech; that being - words spoken that appear to carry one meaning, but in fact contain another. For those more anserine, I'll offer an example: when my spouse-mate says "It looks like the neighbors have raked their leaves." what's really being said is, "Go rake the leaves in our yard, so I'm no longer embarrassed by your acute lack of motivation!".
     To warm up, I'll provide my considerable insight for these well known saws; you'll get the idea.

When it's said - "To err is human, to forgive is divine." (Alexander Pope)
What it means - Only a fool would do that; fortunately, I'm not a fool.

When it's said - "A stitch in time saves nine." (Thomas Fuller)
What it means - Your planning skills are non-existant.

When it's said - "Neither a borrower nor a lender be." (William Shakespeare: Hamlet - Polonius, Act 1, Scene 3)
What it means - No.

     Now, let's get to more contemporary examples:

When it's said - "I want to thank every American who participated in this election." (Barak Obama)
What it means - Your check is in the mail.

When it's said - "Sarah Palin is the running mate who can best help me shake up Washington."
What it means - I hope to God this IS a beauty contest.

When it's said - "You have to be unique, and different, and shine in your own way." (Lady Gaga)
What it means - The freak show industry remains a strong career path.


When it's said - "You know, I'm a television personality. It's not like I'm a famous hooker or something." (Nancy Grace)
What it means - .....you know, I think she said exactly what she meant.

When it's said - "We are all capable of infinately more that we believe." (David Blaine)
What it means - I'll do anything for money.

When it's said - "Nobody and nothing will stop Russia on the road to strengthening democracy and ensuring human rights and freedoms." (Vladimir Putin)
What it means - I know where your entire family lives.

     That's enough for now drumsticks; you're now imbued with insight far beyond your station. Until next time, I'm out here on the ledge - loving the view.....

- est sicut scienta ad collegium me -

Mail Call

Nest Mates:

Here again dear worshipers, is another installment of the popular reader mail feature – wherein I provide a small sample of the questions I receive weekly, from folks the world over, desperate for my sage advice. While the responses given are issue-specific, it’s quite likely that significant life lessons may be gleaned, by keen observers, that are applicable to other vexing circumstances.

However, a word of warning: while subscribers are encouraged to lay their concerns on the altar of wisdom that my postings represent, caution should be exercised when attempting to apply advanced theorems in the mundane matters typically faced by a lower-functioning populace. Let’s get to it. <trumpet flourish>

Q: “What happened…?”  -  M. Romney

A: Let’s see, could it have been the perfect storm of inept campaign management, less than disastrous economic news in the last 3 weeks of the campaign, a natural disaster – tailor made for an incumbent to look “presidential” (not even gonna mention Chris Christie’s man love for your rival), and an electorate so chock full ‘o dumb that they make lemmings look reasoned? Dude, it was teed up for you!

Q: “Is this victory a mandate?”  -  B. Obama

A: Does Michelle know you’re talking about man dates? I see red; what do you see?

Q: “Why didn’t anyone return my robo-calls?”  -  P. Boone

Editor’s note: As a public service, Speed’s profanity-laced reply will not be printed. He remains enraged at what he believes is a clear case of elder abuse.

Q: “Speed, can I use your place next weekend?”  -  D. Patraeus

A: Shock & Awe, eh big guy? Got a feeling Mrs. P’s gonna make Benghazi seem like a safe house.

Q: “What should I do at QB; and, oh, are you gonna finish that?”  -  A. Reid

A: You lie down with dogs….. Only the tragedy that is your personal life prevents me, or anyone else, from really piling on. I do however, have two suggestions: retirement & gastric bypass.
 

Q: "Why won’t people take me seriously anymore?” -  D. Trump
A: Grasshopper - in the question is found the answer. <sigh - the tragedy of another home without mirrors.....>

         
    
That’s enough for now, my Demons. With the holidays approaching, I expect to once again spend most of my time pandering and positioning myself to receive as many gifts as possible shoulder the burden of ensuring peace on earth/goodwill to men, that falls to we few difference makers. Scientia est vox.....

Coming Attractions

Customers:
     In the halcyon days of my youth, one of my favorite bands was Ten Years After http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ten_Years_After. I always thought that was a cool name, but wasn't sure exactly what it meant - Ten years After what?
     Pondering this again recently, I thought it might be entertaining to  demonstrate, yet again, just how desperate my attention-getting antics have become my incredible ability to see into the future. So, without further blather, here is my view of November, 2022 - ten years from now. I've established categories to facilitate clarity for even the most limited dullards; this is a long one - buckle up.

Politics - On the national scene, President Nicole Polizzi remains mired in a scandal that has dogged her since her stunning election in 2020, wherein she narrowly defeated both her Republican and Democratic challengers, Mark Emmert and Ron Paul (finally - he changed parties, and simply outlasted everyone), respectively. Effectively dealing a death blow to the traditional two party system, Prez Snooki (as she prefers to be called) rode the combined waves of a colossally ignorant electorate and a viewing public transfixed by this human train wreck, to an astonishing victory.
Plagued by persistent rumors that teen-queen Honey Boo Boo is really her love child, sired by Larry the Cable Guy - who steadfastly maintains his silence in the matter - Snooki's first term has mirrored her inconsequential television career.

     In PA statewide matters, the race for Governor continues to tighten between Republican challenger Scott Paterno, and the incumbent Democrat Linda Thompson. Polls indicate that Paterno is eating into Thompson's lead; however, her statewide campaign headquarters announced today that she's recovering nicely from the unfortunate incident in their last debate, where Paterno thought  Governor Thompson's faux pearl necklace was a string of popcorn, and nearly chewed through her neck.

Sports - The NFL cancelled this week's slate of games in the U.S., Europe and Japan, out of respect for the recent passing of NFL Commissioner, Jerry Jones. Jones sold the Cowboys to former U.S. President George Bush, for an estimated $38 billion.
     Major League Baseball released the starting times for this year's World Series, set to begin in Toronto on December 2nd. This year's contest pits the Blue Jays against the expansion Las Vegas Yankees, who relocated from new York to avoid the impending sea-level rise.

     The NBA announced that its first month's scheduled slate of games has been cancelled. The now 2 1/2 year long work stoppage continues to erode the league's fan base of gang bangers and leprechauns, as both ownership and the player's union, with its titular head, Charles Barkley, remain entrenched in their positions. Neither side will yield on its demand to receive 95% of all league revenue, nor the real sticking point of the player's demand that the owners pay all criminal and civil fines levied against any player that runs afoul of the law. Commissioner Shaquille O'Neal estimates that child support alone could bankrupt the league.
     The National Hockey League, citing declining attendance and revenue for the 10th consecutive year, disbanded. This move was not unexpected, as the league struggled to remain viable after most of its star players signed to play themselves, in the History Channel's hit reality series, Ice Road Puckers.
World Events - Prospects for Middle East peace took a negative turn when U.N. brokered talks were cancelled, due to the inexplicable series of major winter storms plaguing the region. "Ice and snow have become the new normal." said a spokesman familiar with the region. In a related development, the World Climate Summit, scheduled to begin Monday in Tokyo, has been indefinitely postponed due to lagging registrations.

     United Nations Secretary General Bono announced that peace keeping forces will again be sent to the troubled U.S.-Mexican border region, where unrest continues to rage. "I guess the 30 foot wall and 600 miles of electrified fencing isn't enough." said Bono through a spokesman. Rival American and Mexican drug cartel members remain locked in a struggle to gain dominance in what's become the largest industry in both countries. "Thank God they're at least taxing the American sales; at least I think they are." quipped Texas Governor Willie Nelson.

Entertainment - People Magazine's latest issue featured a cover story on the new power brokers of the industry. Former top dog Oprah Winfrey, now under federal indictment for mail fraud and practicing witchcraft, has been displace by true entertainment royalty. Blanket Jackson has been named "Hollywood's Most Powerful Figure", by the all-digital tabloid. "Though no one has actually seen Blanket in the last 5 years, his influence is totally radical, bro." mumbled People's editor-in-chief, Keanu Reeves.

     The industry today continues its outpouring of grief in the wake of the passing of former child-star Macauley Caulkin. Through his agent, renown gay-porn actor Ashton Kutcher said, "He was like a brother to me; it's always sad when we outlive our careers."

     At the movies, Rocky XIII, "The Juicers Last Round" continues to smash box office records, out grossing its nearest rival "Blue Bloods" (think Avatar joining an LA gang)  by nearly 2 to 1. The septuagenarian Sylvester Stallone faces his most fearsome challenge yet, squaring off with a creaky Arnold Schwarzenegger, in an MMA style cockfight. Lindsay Lohan's career revival is boosted by her star turn as the referee, torn between her pledge to officiate a clean bout, and her forbidden love for them both.

     On the small screen (relative term, as TV sets now routinely span 175") Dancing With the Stars continues its remarkable run as the nation's most watched show. DWTS owes its phenomenal success to the decision to permit - and later, require - weaponry on the dance floor. The Crystal Ball Trophy was last awarded to the killer team of Ashley & Mary Kate Olsen, and this season they're back to defend their title. By virtue of their win last year, the Twin Terrors will receive an automatic spot in the final round - the much anticipated, Dance of Death. 

     That's it from the future kids. Until next time, stay addicted.....