Earthlings:
Prepare yourselves for the strongest intellectual stimulation possible without a prescription. Like you, my loyal, devoted, marginally obsessive readers, I am a product of my environment - specifically, the time, place and circumstance of my formative years. Conceived in the forties, born in the fifties, and raised in the sixties, my early years were that of privilege; raised primarily by nannies and au pairs, I was consistently educated beyond my station - exposed to academic and life experiences afforded to only the entitled - thereby producing the renaissance man you have before you.
A large part of this cultural osmosis was driven by the television shows, comic books and movies of the period. As I recall those halcyon days, those which left the most indelible marks on me were ones whose main characters were Super Heroes. Recalling the exploits of Super Man, The Flash, Batman, The Hulk, The Green Lantern and Captain America, still stirs the fires of imagination, first lit within that dear sweet boy years before. 
Since then, I've made the most of my earth-bound existence, blazing trails and leaving lessers in my wake; however, there's always been that tug - that small, incessant yen to break these mortal bonds with which I've been cursed - and harness the super powers that I genuinely believe to be my birthright. Conspiratorial events (read, the bite of karma's dog <Felaheen reference>) of the past 8 months have unwittingly aligned to provide me with ample opportunity for fantasy, most of which involve my acquiring some amazing ability, and parlaying that into some delicious retribution for my persecutors channeling that to benefit mankind.
It is in this vein that I've determined to reveal some (certainly not all) of my fantasies if this ilk. I believe that harnessing these powers for good, is yet another demonstration of my societal largesse. While others seek to enrich themselves or accumulate power and status, I've chosen a different path. <Editor's Note: Once again, Speed evidences his uncanny ability to master the obvious.> In this tome, I'll reveal my innermost thoughts, - until now, sequestered in one of the many dark, hitherto inaccessible regions of this mensan vault. As a public service, the following are my most desired super powers, and their most likely application for the greater good.
SUPER VISION - For purposes of this writing, I'm discarding the traditional visual acuity, as well as x-ray vision. Rather, I would prefer the ability to see people and things as they really are, rather than what they appear to be. Blessed with this powerful gift, I'd be able to immediately identify smarmy disingenuousness before it's too late. This would prove especially helpful every year in May and November, thereby saving us all a lot of trouble - kinda like being able to identify which cars are lemons before you buy them, which, though considerably easier, would also prove useful.
SUPER STRENGTH - This is more straightforward; I would love to have a Hulk-like physique and power of a grizzly bear. Of course, I'd use it responsibly, saving scores from a laundry list of perils (catching falling buildings, stopping runaway trains, etc.); but I'd also provide a significant boost to our flagging economy, by single handedly reviving the Carnival Side Show industry. Think of all the jobs that would be created by once again, returning theses bastions of affordable entertainment to the masses. Thousands would find employment as ticket takers, barkers, vendors - and many more currently under-employed freaks/geeks would once more find themselves in demand by a gawking public, by now addicted by network television to sad, cruel spectacles.
SUPER HEARING - This one is trickier, as I shudder to think what would happen should this ability fall into the wrong hands. Though I'd never be tempted to listen in on anyone's private conversations, and frankly cannot fathom why anyone would, the temptation would nonetheless exist. To guard against this, I would inundate myself with the conversations of everyone; the resultant tsunami of auditory stimuli would prevent me from focusing on any one person. This selfless act is not without benefit though; as I'd, in theory, be able to hear everyone speaking to everyone else - and in so doing, learn what's happening in everyone's lives - I'd no longer be slavishly devoted to Facebook.
SUPER SPEED - I know, I know - this sounds suspiciously like the moniker acquired from my many admirers; however, I've included this, as I have never shown particular celerity, and believe that this power could be used to make a huge difference in our collective quality of life. Upon encountering one of the feckless clods who believe that wearing their pants at half mast offers us all the opportunity to marvel at their dopey underwear, I'd move in at lightning pace and pants him. Naturally, these cretins will have no idea what's just happened, so their feet will continue to shuffle and ultimately, result in a nasty fall. These occasions will continue until trolls the world over are too terrified to continue this dim-witted fashion statement, and return their waistbands to a more appropriate latitude. You're welcome!
SUPER INTELLECT - Actually, this one already resides in my tool box. I suppose the best use for this is to continue offering sage counsel and serve as an encyclopedic reference source for all. Knowing me is like going to college, and information I offer typically qualifies for CEUs. <Editor's Note: Sigh.>
There, don't you all feel better now? Just musing about the possibilities gives me sweet dreams. But alas, as is too often the case, I'm jolted back to reality by yet another bleating harangue. So that's all for now children; take heart though, as I vow to drift in and out of your consciousness with several more posts before the end of the year. So, until next time, settle in by the holiday fire and stay warm. Mane devotior meo daemonia.......
Correspondents:
Like many great writers, I've developed quite a following among the literati, no doubt serving as an endless font of rapacious, self promoting blather inspiration to those whose orbits have been fortunate enough to intersect mine - evidencing this is the remarkable volume of mail I receive each day, from admirers from near and far; some take the form of invitations to exclusive membership groupings, some begging my attendance at various soirées, while others seek advice or counsel in sensitive matters of state, requiring insight, élan and panache not available in the general populace, that they might otherwise never have access to. <Editor's Note: All hail Speed, King of the run-on sentence.>
It is the latter grouping to which today's edition is directed. While it is impossible, even for me, to personally answer all the inquiries I receive, I feel compelled to present a lucky few with responses to their pitifully banal inquiries. <Additional Editor's Note: How can you abide this clown? He is so full of himself today, that I fear he'll explode. I implore you to save yourself the pain of reading further.> With these constraints, I've decided to limit my focus to those questions I've received from those with a modicum of celebrity, in a vainglorious attempt to curry future favor, should I ever need a handout. Here we go.
Q: "Why hasn't my healthcare program been more popular?" - Barak O.
A: I'll attempt to answer this in writing; I tried to call, but couldn't get through. How's this: if you decide to wrap the most complex program imaginable in a covering of mostly unintelligible gibberish, then market it in such a way as to confound even those most desirous of its utilization, and finally blame its foundering on your enemies, what exactly DID you expect?
Q: "Tell all my friends in Philly to stick it up their #$%!" - Andy R.
A: While technically, this is not a question, or a request for advice, I decided to publish it anyway. Actually, it was written on deli-wrap, and the aroma of cheesesteak was so intoxicating, I couldn't resist.
Q: "I can't thank you enough for your advice to be more humble and approachable, and less pontific. This really seems to be working out well." - Jorge Mario B.
A: Again, this is not a question but, you're welcome Your Holiness.
Q: "What should you do if someone you trusted and thought was a friend, suddenly begins eavesdropping on you?" - Angela M.
A: What part of tearing down that wall didn't you understand? Are you certain this person is your friend (see WWI / WWII)? Maybe you should try speaking in code (bwahahaha).
Q: "What should I do about Lamar?" - Khloe K.
A: Well, you could confer with your mother and sister; they are paragons of virtue and the rocks you can cling to. Above all however, make sure that the press receives advance notice of every move.
Q: "Who should I vote for in the Mayoral race?" - Linda T.
A: Sorry, I should have gotten back to you sooner. At this point, it doesn't matter, but I do want to tell you that I believe - from the bottom of my heart - that you did the best you could ... therein lies the rub.
Well, enough of this. Helping little people is exhausting and tries my patience <dismissive wave>. I consider installments of this type as a form of literary community service; I do it because I have to, not because I want to <Final Editor's Note: I tried to tell you, but you wouldn't listen; he's insufferable.> There's just not enough money to be made. Solace must be taken, and I've dispatched an intern to fetch me a batch of Bloody Marys. How do you spell relief.........? Sicut anuses opiniones sint, unus quisque evaderet.
Fingerlings:
As weeks turn into months and months into seasons, each passing day since being jettisoned from the workforce finds me curling tighter and tighter into the fetal position. It seems the further I find myself sliding off the gleaming Highway of Happiness, the more inclined I am to indulge my personal demons - increasingly ceding control to the bacchanalian forces residing within.
While all this may sound unsavory, I assure you it is not without its shiny side. In fact, the introspection these raging forces generate is quite often productive. It beckons me to a place wherein I'm able to identify that which I care for, and that which I do not, with previously unimaginable clarity. For example, once all the positive aspects of my previous life circumstance - employed, worthwhile, productive, self reliant, etc. - have been weeded out, I find it much easier to identify those unpleasant portions of my universe that need excised; and in so doing, returning balance and harmony to my soul.
It is this borderline insane cogent, thoughtful reasoning that has always driven me to great heights. So enamored am I with the results, that I'm compelled to share with you my logisms. Hopefully, by identifying those pop-culture creatures unnecessary in my universe, you dear readers will be inspired to take similar life-improving measures in you own lives. As such, the following is an (admittedly) incomplete listing of celebrity flotsam that I intend to exile from my consciousness, thereby freeing up valuable cranial space for more worthy inhabitants.
Let's start with my favorite whipping boy:
JUSTIN BIEBER - I know, I know; by now even I'm tired of my harangues about the Biebs. His lofty pole position <snicker> is due to his uncanny ability to make an ass of himself in hitherto unimagined ways. His latest: in a supersonic display of both cultural ignorance and pretention, he had his bodyguards carry him up the Great Wall of China! Only good form and my Christian ethos prevent me from further piling on <more snickers> this POS.
DIANNE SAWYER - I'm not quite sure why Lady D annoys me as much as she does; maybe it's her breathless delivery of every contrived narrative. Maybe it's her shameless shill of all things Disney/ABC/ESPN/Touchstone/Miramax. Maybe it's the forced ingénue image. Maybe it's just the collagen.
CAM NEWTON/TERRELE PRYOR - I'm incapable of separating these two self-smitten, albeit freakishly athletic pigskin squeezers. I'm viscerally repulsed by those who regard themselves as God's gift to anything. These two are the poster boys for self-absorbed, over-hyped, it's all about me athletes. <Editor's Note: Seriously? Are there no mirrors in Speed's house? Physician, heal thyself.>
MUMFORD & SONS - Their music can most charitably described as the day insipid met Deliverance. Included in this genre that celebrates toothlessness are the Avett Brothers, Dawes and Conor Oberst. All this makes me miss Slim Whitman.
CHRIS BERMAN - The apparent love child of Howard Cosell and Ethel Merman, Boomer (listen for 10 seconds, and you'll understand the nickname) is the audial equivalence of felony assault. This one trick pony has parlayed an otherwise unremarkable shtick into an inexplicably successful career - somehow, spinning straw into gold. Were it not for the high regard I accord chicanery of this ilk, I would have voted this buffoon off the island years ago.
These are but the tip of the iceberg; there are others, of course. I've banished Seth Rogan, Vince Vaughn, Adam Sandler, et al (players of the same character in every film), Donald Trump, Alex Rodriguez, Miley Cyrus, Ty Pennington, O. J., Barbara Walters (another favorite target of mine), and Ginger Z. They certainly annoy me, and I begrudge the space they occupy in my mind, but they represent those for whom further valuable editorial space shan't be further wasted.
I urge you dear ones, to similarly sort out the junk drawers of your minds - purging those small, precious spaces to clear room for more erudite cargo, such as my next post, wherein I'll return to the blatantly populist "Mailbag Edition". There, at least now you have something to look forward to. Sicut calidum non vis mihi boyfriend?
Constituents:
Having just returned from my 5th trip to Sierra Leone, I was naturally super-pumped to regale you all with spectacular tales of adventure and missionary prowess. I soon learned that even I must buckle to authority from time to time. My schadenfreude notwithstanding, the current naval-gazing and self-inflicted government shutdown prevented me from communicating with all my Speed Demons. It's not generally known, but I receive a sliver of funding from the federal g'ummint; while this aids in underwriting this missive, it also temporarily prevented me from utilizing those funds in any way.
Fortunately, my staff, comprised mainly of cowgirls and mermaids - working tirelessly to uncover a loophole (that's what they do) - has discovered a means by which I may continue my unsolicited musings, without running afoul of either our dear President or House Speaker. I have filed a brief with the United States Supreme Court, seeking an injunction, and immediate relief from this onerous prohibition. While I don't expect a speedy resolution at that level (or even an acknowledgement of my action), my legal team advises that I may proceed; as such, here we go.
<Editor's note: as demonstrated in Speed's disjointed opening ramble, this will be a long one; you may wish to take a bathroom break at this juncture.>
This year's team consisted of 5 travelers, 2 of which were first-time visitors to Sierra Leone. This is CrossPoint's 7th mission trip to our village, Maboleh, in the north-central part of the country. While there, we typically focus on 4 areas: Spirituality, Education, Medicine & Economics; while we touched on all these areas, this year's main objective was to paint the village's primary school - inside and out, and gain an idea of what it would take to build teacher's quarters on land adjacent to the school.
The primary school, pictured here, was built sometime in the 1980s, and likely had not been painted since. Our plan was to purchase the paint and supplies needed, and hopefully enlist some local assistance with the painting itself. After several days of travel, meetings and planning sessions, we began the project. Our goal was to finish painting in 4 days and accomplish this within the budget we'd agreed to before we arrived.
As everyone knows, selecting and obtaining the raw materials and tools for any project is the first important task. Naturally, I was placed in charge of this effort; with our driver Edison by my side (make no mistake, I was Tonto to his Kemosabe), we drove to the frenetic maelstrom that is the central marketplace in Makeni, our home base while in-country, and the nearest source for these items. While there, I essentially broke down and cried like a little girl, because I couldn't understand a word of what these folks were saying expertly negotiated the best possible price for each of the items on our list. I did however, make a life-long friend in Lamin, the owner of the "hardware store". He too, now knows me as Speed.
Upon our return to the village, we immediately set to work. First, we had to mix the paint. Now, understand, it isn't the Home Depot we'd just shopped at. We had purchased a bag of colored "emulsion", which, when mixed with a generous amount of water, produces a thin broth of colored liquid. That wasn't the only difference however; we decided to forego paint poles and stirring sticks (hello, we're in the freakin' jungle) and simply crafted our own from the surrounding bush. The purchase of ladders was unnecessary, for the same reason.
We also saw no need to spend extravagantly on paint trays - opting instead for large bowls that, when not conscripted for industrial use, serve as the family's food mixing/serving containers!
Unsurprisingly, I dawdled as much as I could to avoid having to actually do any painting at all led the effort to begin painting. In short order, our entire team was equipped with paint rollers affixed to long sticks, submerging said rollers in the paint bowls, and painting the South end of the building, like we knew what we were doing. This action not only impressed the, by now, dozens of onlookers, who saw no reason to withhold comments, suggestions and critiques of our efforts, but also served as apparently the funniest thing they'd ever seen in their lives. Jocularity abounded.
Thankfully, it wasn't long before the villagers took over and completed the bulk of the project. It was truly gratifying to witness their willingness to pitch in to complete a project that will ultimately benefit their children and village. Their spirit is infectious; <TRUTH ALERT!>I wish I could be more like that. The balance of that day, and most of the next was spent working and joking alongside these men, many of which I've known for several years now, and I consider my friends.
I'm pleased to report that the painting project was completed in 2 days, and came in at about 75% of the budget we'd established for this effort. This included the expenditure for food and small gifts for those who helped with the work. The finished product looked far better than I'd though possible, given the tools and products with which we had to work. The school now has a fresh coat of paint - inside and out - and the children seemed overjoyed with this. The finished product is above.
The rest of the trip, both before and after the painting project, was also extremely productive. We were able to come to an agreement with the Village Chief, whose family owns the land upon which the planned teacher's quarters will be located (pictured). We also arranged to have that land, as well as the school property surveyed, so a clear title (something that's a foreign concept to those living in the bush) can be established. We've also received preliminary cost estimates for the construction, that we've brought back to our larger committee for consideration.
We also paved the way for the delivery of a hammer mill; this is a machine that the village's Women's Agricultural Project (WAP) will utilize to process the crops they're growing, such as cassava and ground nuts. Since the spring, the WAP has produced 8 large sacks of ground nuts, most of which will be used as seed for next year's crop.
We were fortunate to be able to sample the first harvest of these nuts; man, are they good. The look and taste is similar to Spanish Peanuts. We are helping pioneer women's agro-economic efforts in the village and surrounding area. It's really neat to see.
Other activities during our time there included a visit to the UMC Secondary School in Makeni, where we sponsor 14 students - selecting the best 4 graduating from 6th grade (2 boys, 2 girls) in the Primary School in Maboleh each year. These children and their families understand that the best way to raise the standard of living is through education. Of coeval impact is the focus on education female students; this is not a universally accepted concept in the third world. We also provided a laptop to the school's Principal, a donation from one of our committee members.
A truly special moment came during our visit to the village's medical clinic, located at the furthest end of the village. This is a government-run clinic that suffers from a desperate lack of supplies, medicines, and equipment. We had presented the nurse with a suitcase of medical supplies and she was describing her typical day - which, that day, included the birth of the village's newest resident.
The baby boy turned out to be the son of one of the guys in the village that I've become friendly with. We were permitted to see the mother and son, and told pictures would be all right - so here it is. Here too is a picture of my friend Abraham and his other son.
There were many other things that we were able to accomplish, but none have the potential to be as fruitful as our meeting with the newest missionaries assigned to the Sierra Leone Conference of UMC. Kip and Nancy Robinson are veteran missionaries; having been posted in various other African countries, they have a great feel for what it takes to get things done there. They've already been of great help in organizing transportation and assisting us with our building plans. Their value to our future efforts cannot be overstated. They were kind enough to offer their vehicle and driver to assist our return to the airport, the day of our departure.
While in Sierra Leone, we typically stay at a guest house. During our past 3 trips there, we have stayed at the Women Of Hope (WOH) guest house in Makeni. This is an organization focused on helping women with social, industrial, medical and spiritual struggles, providing whatever assistance is needed. They do great work; here's a link to their website: http://www.womenofhopeinternational.org/about
The manager of the guesthouse is Rebecca. She takes care of all our cooking, cleaning, and general babysitting while we're there. She's become my Sierra Leone wife (like I need another one?), and in addition to everything else, makes a mean hot sauce.
Our time in Sierra Leone ended after 8 days, but we still had some adventurin' to do. We had about a 12 hour layover in Brussels, Belgium, so we decided to leave the airport, board a train, and go into Brussels to explore. What a beautiful old city. We got to see it wake up early on a Sunday morning; so naturally, we had a breakfast in a little restaurant that featured many delights - among them, a real Belgian Waffle. Wow! Now I know what my friend Special Ed was complaining about prior to our 'yak trip earlier this year (see previous post dated 07/03/13).
Suffice it to say, I wish we'd had more time to spend in this city, but I'm certainly grateful for what we had. Sullenly, we returned to the airport, boarded our 7 1/2 hour flight, landed in D.C. and motored home - arriving about 10:00pm, a mere 36 hours (40, if you include the time differential) after we'd left Makeni to head for the airport in Freetown.
So now, about a week and a half later, my jet-lag has diminished but my memories remain strong. Sierra Leone has a strong pull on me and likely always will. I hope to return as often as possible, but my recent spate of unemployment semi-retirement jeopardizes that. Perhaps I will be awarded a large out of court settlement by those in Washington, to forestall my near certain victory in the Supreme Court. Messrs. Obama & Boehner, the ball is in your court. Veni, vidi, vici.........
Lichen:
<Editor's note: stay alert, this is a snark-free post; quite unusual.>
In a few short days, I'll be joining with 4 other like-minded wanderers travelling to Sierra Leone, to visit our friends in Maboleh, a village near the middle of the country. Most of you know of my previous trips to Africa, in conjunction with the commitment our church made with our sister church in that village. This will be the 7th trip our church has made since 2009, and my 5th.
In previous posts, you've learned of our activities there, including building a new church to replace the war and time ravaged building they had. Our commitment to this village and its people has evolved into 4 separate components: spiritual, educational, medical and economic. During each visit, we touch on each area but often focus on one special project/task. This trip is no different; our project this time is painting the Primary School that is situated on the eastern edge of the village. The school is a long, single-story structure with 4 rooms; it houses more than 200 students in grades 1 - 6. Classrooms are often divided into halves - one class facing one way and the other facing the opposite way; yet teaching and learning continues - amazing! In addition to painting the school, we will attempt to finalize plans to build teacher's quarters near the school grounds. The teachers (pictured below) do not live in the village, and making the commute from the nearest city, Makeni, about 7 miles away, often requires an expensive ride for the teachers - typically, costing more than they earn that day. We're also taking school and medical supplies with us, as their access to these items is limited.
I'm anxious to get back and reconnect with friends we've made there. I love playing in the dirt. I'll likely not be in contact while I'm in country, owing to the still-decimated infrastructure and dearth of internet availability, especially in the village. You may expect a full recounting of our trip in my next post. Tempus volat, et sic facio.....
