Idle Musings

Corndogs:

           By this time, devotees of these pages are so over hearing about my situation  aware of my enforced idleness and the reasons therefore. Suffice it to say that unemployment retirement produces a profound change of perspective; that is, what was once of interest, is no longer – and that which once received nary a shrug of indifference, now consumes me.

Case(s) in point: workaday routines such as what to wear, what day it is, etc. have no place whatsoever on my radar screen. My beloved Yankees, who once dominated my summertime interest, now barely rate yawning notice. On the flip side however, news that was previously met with high-browed disdain like the missing person, salacious gossip, or murder trial of the week, now fascinates me. It’s gotten so bad that I slept at my desk all week, in preparation for the royal birth, to ensure I'd not miss the blessed event.

Of course, little occurs that isn’t fodder for the transparent attention grab that my musings have become doesn’t inspire me to share my copious insights with my subscribers. That being said, I’ve compiled an UNEMPLOYED acrostic – consisting of insight into just what my world has become since that dark day – March 13. Numerologists are left to ponder the significance that is 72; for it was on that, the 72^nd day of the year, that my soul (and body) was loosed: http://www.greatdreams.com/72.htm - coincidence??? You decide. <Editor’s note: This is yet another example of the maniacal, senseless tripe that Speed is producing these days. Looks more like a cry for help to me> So, here’s my world – in 10 letters:

U – Undaunted: I thought I’d begin this exercise with a lie an inspirational tone. I’ve pasted dozens of trite quotes designed to fool one’s self into thinking that this is just some sort of bump in the road. “What doesn’t kill me will make me stronger” – “Temporary inconvenience for permanent improvement” Does anyone really believe this?

N – Nice: In a not entirely unpleasant development, friends and relatives seem oddly compelled to pick up my tab. I suspect it’s rooted more in pity than genuine affection, but what the hey –

E – Every: As in, every day is the same. It’s kinda like Groundhog Day, but without Andie MacDowell.

M – Mercury: No, I’m not likely to be confused with the winged-footed messenger of the gods, of Greek myth; corpulence will do that. I’m referring to that which is contained in our thermometers. Inexplicably, I’ve become slavishly interested in weather reports. I believe it’s a sickness, transmitted by AARP members, yet I now hang on the words of TV meteorologists as though they were Messianic proclamations. I have no explanation for this.

P – Paycheck: Clearly, my focus on this is not unlike the castaway’s on food & drink. “You never miss something ‘till it’s gone” (another dopey quote taped to my desk). My earning frequency is now best described not as “Annually”, “Monthly” or “Bi-weekly”; rather, it is “Sporadic alms from spouse”.

L – Liquor: Speed Demons will likely gasp at the inclusion of this; however, take heart my little ones – your paragon of virtue has not fallen. Rather, most days he’s stumbling around in a fog I think often of the insidious effect of alcohol on the jobless masses. Naturally, and unsurprisingly, I have a solution: why not hire the unemployed - at way less than minimum wage – supplement that paltry income with generous rations of their favorite cordial, then put ‘em to work delivering the mail? Think about it; much criminal activity is traceable to either unemployment, or substance abuse. Bang – both problems solved; and, because of this, we wouldn’t have to sacrifice Saturday mail delivery, as the costs are now manageable. You’re welcome! <Editor’s note: Yet another one…>

O – Odd Jobs: Yes purists, I know this is two words (my blog, my rules). These have sustained me while I patiently wait for my ship to come in. Here’s a sampling: Gardener, Landscaper, Babysitter, Driver/Delivery Boy, Tree Trimmer, Funeral Aide, Surveyor’s Assistant, Wall Builder, Pond Contractor, and Brick Walk Builder. Notice a pattern here? Most require more horsepower than brain power; hmmmmmm.

Y – ‘Yaking: Again, purists; I know the proper term is kayaking. However, those of us who answer the mermaid’s siren song, use this contracted version. It is this, dear readers – more than anything – that salves my spirit and takes me far from the madding crowd. My water borne exploits are the stuff of legend; no doubt, you’ve heard this over, and over, and over, and over – ad nauseum. I credit this activity, above all others, for keeping my violent tendencies at bay.

E – Emasculated: Duh; do I really need to explain this one?

D – Doppelganger: This is what I’ve become, or more accurately, what I believe I’ve become. Again, in keeping with my avowed determination to teach y’all to fish, rather than catch them for you, consider this your homework assignment.

            There you go mon petit chous; a deeper look into the cavernous, Texas-sized crania that resides atop my impressive anatomy, than you’ve ever been gifted with. Doubtless, this treat will be coveted and long remembered. Consider it my birthday present to you all. Cherish this and take comfort in the knowledge that I remain steadfast in the anticipatory knowledge that, phoenix-like, I shall arise from these ashes to prevail – against all odds. Birds of a feather.....