Cherished Ones:
I hate January. There, I've said it. There are no redeeming qualities about the month named after Janus, the Roman god of Doorways. Seriously, who names an entire month after a doorway? This month, the most banal string of 31 days in every year, holds no hope or promise, and offers all the charm of frozen scat and this January has been particularly miserable.
Inasmuch as my fingers have been numb since last Thursday, this post will be what I call a Rachael Ray - short, but meaty. So, before my hands begin to resemble those of Ernest Shackleton, the following are my Top 5 Reasons To Hate January:
5. The Pennsylvania Auto Show - This lubed-up stepchild of the Farm Show (more on this to follow), is hopelessly mis-scheduled in a month where the utilization of the very products that are shamelessly peddled <pun alert> is seriously compromised by Mother Nature. Adding insult to this risk of injury are the usurious entry fees ($9) and parking fees ($10) gleefully collected by the churlish volunteers manning the turnstiles. Essentially, this is a torturous exercise - trudging through inclement weather, to a place that charges outlandish attendance fees, to view unaffordable merchandise that, if purchased, cannot be enjoyed for months to come.
4. Televised Awards Shows - Ok, we've got the People's Choice Awards, the Golden Globe Awards, the Critic's Choice Movie Awards, the Screen Actor's Guild Awards and the Grammy Awards all shoehorned into the month that celebrates doorways. I know, I know; as one who celebrates little as much as his own existence, it would logically follow that I would adore these nauseating spectacles of self-congratulation. However, while I appreciate décolletage as much as anyone, how anyone can subject themselves to the 1080dpi equivalent of a lava lamp is beyond me.
3. The Pennsylvania Farm Show - Much like the useless PA Auto Show, the Farm Show is visited upon us during the first full week of the year. Since 1917, this agrifest is a celebration of noxious odors, unbreathable air, hazardous ambulation (owing to the fecal matter and urine festooning the walkways) and incredibly large crowds of incredibly large people. Any of these would seem to be enough to dissuade even the most masochistic attendee; but despite all this, hordes belly up <second pun alert> to the baked potato stand, the milkshake stand, the French fry stand, the breaded mushroom stand, and this year's added feature, the bacon stand. This brings us to my next reason to hate January:
2. Diets - For the love of all that's holy, do I really need to be reminded that I've got the BMI of a manatee does every 3rd commercial have to be about diets and weight loss? We've just come through December, when every advertisement across all media portrayed attractive, happy partygoers eating and drinking their fill. In January though, we're jerked backwards - told that our excess was excessive, and we must repent of our calorie consuming ways, before it's too late. This is especially galling, as next month, we'll be force-fed <third pun alert> a steady stream of chocolate candy ads, to help us celebrate Valentine's Day. IT seems to me that binging and purging is not so much an eating disorder, as a suggested lifestyle. But, my number 1 reason for detesting January is:
1. The Weather - Although this may seem self-evident, January's weather is - without a doubt - the worst of all the months. Every Farmer's Almanac issued since the beginning of time bears this out. Terms like sleet, freezing rain, snow, ice, wind chill, and the newest one Polar Vortex, just pi** me off when I hear them, let alone suffer their influence and effect. In addition, aside from the conifers, nothing is alive! Who wants to go through a month where nearly every plant is dead? Additionally, this is the month where fashion is also dead. By the time we bundle ourselves in our overcoats, jackets, sweaters, sweatshirts, thermal undies, scarves, gloves, hats and balaclavas, we all appear to have the fashion sense of the homeless - inching our way down slick and slippery streets, tensing ourselves against an inevitable fall.
There it is dear ones; but lament not, this exorcise has thawed both my fingers and my outlook. In no time at all, we'll be rid of this accursed month and barreling through the shortest month of the year. I'm buoyed by my impending return to Africa, where both the weather and my welcome will be substantially warmer. I'll likely not bother you again until my return, when once again, I'll regale you with amazing tales and pictures of my exploits. As I've said before, Rick Warren is wrong. Ipsum enim est solum de me.
Devotees:
Well, we've made it yet again through another holiday season together; you, enjoying the warm glow of family and friends - me, enjoying the warm glow of an expertly mixed Bloody Mary. One of these days, I'll reveal the secret formula to the world's most perfect libation. Of course, I've pirated it myself, but that's the American way. Keep your fingers crossed, someday I'll share.
However, it's time to get down to business. As a significant contributor within the public domain, I am unfortunately subject to the same draconian rules and regulations to which lessers must abide as well. As such, this year's first post will be devoted solely to complying with dictums proffered by a myriad of government organizations, most of which carry unintelligible acronymnal (my blog, my word) labels. Simply put, I must provide an annual claim and related disclaimer, to ensure that my readership has no means of legal recourse, should any of my subsequent advice/instructional garble be taken seriously and actually acted upon. It is as follows:
CLAIM: Cheap Talk is a semi-regular outpouring of serious thought and well-reasoned opinion. Though rife with too many commas and not enough periods, it may be most accurately described as the Luminosity of blogs; that being, one that not only informs, but educates and improves brain function. Studies indicate that regular consumption of these posts increases cranial activity in the frontal lobes, producing a marked increase in salience and cogent thought. Further, long-term consumption of Cheap Talk is believed by many to elevate physical prowess, inflate self esteem, and enhance one's attractiveness to the opposite sex. Think of it as literary mother's milk.
DISCLAIMER: Cheap Talk is not for everyone. Do not read Cheap Talk if you have been diagnosed with a double digit IQ. Those struggling to "find themselves" should not review these posts, nor should those for whom educational pursuits were a challenge. Cheap Talk is not approved by the Food & Drug Administration, and has not been independently evaluated for accuracy or legitimacy (no duh!). People that consume this product should not do so without consulting their physician, as generally unpleasant side effects may result. Some readers have reported feeling a wave of euphoria; most others indicate feelings of discomfort that include headache, nausea and vomiting.
If you experience any of the following symptoms - large, unattractive rashes, sudden hair loss, an inability to focus, vertigo, drooling, inappropriate social behavior, uncontrollable urges, sleeplessness, drowsiness, violent physical or vocal outbursts - consult your physician immediately. If, after reading Cheap Talk, you develop overwhelming thoughts of suicide or murder, or if you are driven to destroy everything you come into contact with, seek professional help right away. Subscribers who are already societal misfits are cautioned that abusing Cheap Talk may lead to addictive behaviors patterns. In rare cases of overdose, it is reported that speaking in tongues or spontaneously yelling "Get this crap away from me!" has occurred. If you experience an erection lasting more than 4 hours, you're on your own.
There, that should cover both this topic and my fanny. I urge you to remain vigilant and watch for posts in the near future that will surely astound you. In the near term, with my trusty travelling companion Bearcat, I've got a camping trip planned, as well as a return to Sierra Leone. In the months thereafter, watch for further exploits that will include the launch of yet another kayak season, an ASP trip to West Virginia, and Lord knows what else. It's not easy being me, but it sure is fun......
Curabitur ut risus.
