Through My Eyes

Waterboarders:

    

As unpleasant as it must be to wait nearly a month for a new post, just imagine how unbearable it is for me not to issue one! Well, time heals all wounds, and now the scab will be removed to reveal the fresh scar of heartache felt by my deprived demons. As always, Dr. Speed will now provide the soothing, healing balm of my own special brand of prattle. A single dose generally contains enough spew to sicken even the most ardent supporter suffices.

    

Because of my hiatus, you poor, brave acolytes have been forced to cope with the daily news on your own - reeling due to the complicated nature of daily happenings, that I'm typically responsible for providing clarity and ken for those less gifted. Well, tremble no longer my pretties; the following shall remedy this. In a manner similar to that which we see/hear/read on a daily basis, I'll herein provide noesis, keen insight and thoughtful commentary on the major news items of the day - and in so doing, render the complex understandable, for the unwashed masses.
NEWS ITEM: Malaysian Airlines Flight 370 Disappears
Mainstream Media Reporting - On March 8, 2014, Malaysian Airlines Flight 370 disappeared somewhere between the Gulf of Malaysia and the South China Sea. After nearly 8 weeks, no substantive trace of the plane or its passengers has been found. Theories range from pilot sabotage to hijacking, as experts continue to struggle to find answers.
Speed's View - This one is so obvious. Clearly, our government is involved in a high stakes cover up. Think Agatha Christie: the one character that is least suspected, always turns out to be the guilty party. We've heard NOTHING from our military regarding this tragedy - hmmmmm. Doesn't it seem strange that the organization with the most advanced technological resources imaginable has not been able to find a thing? Absurd you say; maybe not - what about Area 54, Bermuda Triangle, WMDs, 50 years of UFO sightings? I rest my case.
NEWS ITEM: NBA's Los Angeles Clippers Owner Donald Sterling Banned For Life After Racial Comments Made Public
Mainstream Media Reporting - NBA Commissioner Adam Silver announced a lifetime ban for the Clippers owner, after racially charged comments he made to his former girlfriend, were leaked to TMZ.com. <Editor's Note: Speed refuses to use the word "allegedly" like so many namby-pamby media types.>
Speed's View - I believe the real issue here is not whether this gold-plated POS is/isn't a racist; that ship sailed years ago. No, the real story here is the colossal difference in age between Mr. Sterling and Ms. Stiviano. Aside from their occasional appearance at the strip club's "Bring Your Grandfather To Work Day", what the hell could they have in common? True investigative reporting would pursue this salacious angle for a public whose appetite for titillation, whetted by countless hours of Dancing With The Stars programming, demands more.
NEWS ITEM: 2014 Is Worst Winter & Spring In Decades
Mainstream Media Reporting - Polar Vortex, Arctic Flow and El Nino combine to provide North America with record blizzards in the Northeast and record droughts in the west.
Speed's View - Though I've received no formal training as a meteorologist, it's plain to me that these "anomalies" are easily explained as normal, natural cycles of heating and cooling of our planet. For billions of years, we've undergone periods of Ice Ages, followed by a warming trend; each lasting millions of years. We just happen to be alive now - finding ourselves on the cusp of one of those changes. All my friends in the Flat Earth Society agree.
NEWS ITEM: David Letterman To Retire In 2015 - To Be Replaced By Stephen Colbert
Mainstream Media Reporting - After more than 3 decades hosting Late Night, David Letterman will step down some time next year. Tapped to replace him is Stephen Colbert, who will leave the Colbert Report after nearly 10 years on his successful Comedy Central Network show.
Speed's View - Losing Letterman will be more painful than most think. Now we're down to one gap-toothed television personality - Michael Strahan - and he's committing a painfully public version of hari kari by recently agreeing to co-host the increasingly unwatchable Good Morning America - <whisper alert> replacing Sam Champion? Regardless, it's been reported that Colbert will host the show as himself, rather than in the character he portrays each night on the C.R. I wonder if America will warm to Stephen Colbert being Stephen Colbert?
NEWS ITEM: Pope Francis Declares Sainthood for Former Popes John Paul II and John XXIII
Mainstream Media Reporting - Pope Francis bestows sainthood on  2 former Popes in a ceremony watched by millions across the world.
Speed's View - In an unprecedented dual canonization, Pope Frances gave the holiest of shout outs to several of his predecessors (In fact, this was a "4 Pope day" as retired pontiff Benedict XVI was also in attendance.) Pope Francis took this rare action despite grumblings from some quarters of the Church that Pope John Paul presided over the largest church pedophilia scandal in history, and Pope John's sainthood was fast tracked - he was only credited with 1 verified miracle instead of the 2 required for sainthood. Oh well, rules are made to be broken. 
     There you have it mes ami; you're now up to date on all the happenings around the globe. It's now time to look forward - to focus on my interests. In the coming months, you'll doubtlessly hear of preparations for my annual mermaid hunt - this year's Killa Flotilla - as well as so many other pursuits of great significance to me, if no one else you all. I trust you're now able to carry on a baseline intelligent conversation about world events. Once again, you're welcome. Si quis mihi magis mirum est, cum illos in nomine pontes me.