How It All Began

Subscribers:
     I've heard your cries from the rooftops - from the nests on the ledges, to the dormers and downspouts - I've listened to your entreats. Amidst my despair and wallowing, I've been touched by the outpouring of love, sympathy and affection that was engendered by my last missive. I'm back; better & more full of myself than ever!

     Introspection has long been a valuable component of the healing process. Fortunately, I have the most interesting of specimens with which to work. However, it was during this time that I realized that I have done you, dear students, the gravest of injustices. I have failed to educate you on the most rudimentary of topics - one which I have been repeatedly asked to clarify. So, as briefly as my cacophonic predilection will permit, allow me to finally address the issue that has so vexed you all.

The Legend Of Speed Brisco

(cue the Marty Robbins music)

Chapter 1: Humble Beginnings

     I became self-aware earlier than most; this, not surprisingly, the result of countless hours spent gazing into a reflecting pool near my childhood home. We were a poor, yet gifted lot, blessed with substantial talent, wit and charm. Rising quickly through the familial ranks, I developed a clear sense that I was a disturbingly different child special. Naturally, I parlayed this into remarkable scholastic and business success, and a model domestic life. My horizon was endless.

Chapter 2: The Revelation

     Late one evening, during a trip down South, the spark was lit! Yes, I was superior in nearly every way to those fortunate few I deigned associate with, but - to whom much is given, much is expected (rough interpretation of Luke 12:48). Given that even I cannot bend the rules of the universe to appropriate more than 24 hours in a day, it occurred to me that I could, however, develop multiple versions of myself - thereby serving to align the skewed supply and demand - for me - that existed. At the time, cloning was in its infancy and, in addition to the moral implications, I wasn't keen on the name Dolly; so that was not an option. Of course the solution was to create/invent a new/additional version of myself; it came in a flash.

Chapter 3: A Star Is Born

     As we rode aimlessly that late February evening, enjoying the gorgeous frosty view, my gaze fixed on a light of the Mother Ship's starboard bow; faint at first, it grew clearer the closer we drew. It was a sign that, though festooned in neon, advertised a humble business - the nature of which I've never been drawn to investigate. Regardless, the following is a link for that which birthed your beloved author:
        http://www.yellowpages.com/ashland-va/mip/speed-briscoe-auto-truck-stop-inc-2581067

Epilogue:

     Sadly, I fear that my co-opting of this name has resulted in popularity that far outstrips that of the business that inspired this iteration of yours truly. Since then, I've incorporated others (Tommy Geronimo, et al), but none have achieved the fame, acceptance and high regard accorded to Speed. I suspect this will remain so to the end of my days, creating a delicious conundrum that will, no doubt, be my progeny's to tackle. Thus endeth the lesson........................