i Carrumba

Philistines:

     Happy New Year! Yes it is, boys and girls - because I have seen the light. I've come out of the darkness, in from the cold and entered the throne room of happiness; I am the proud owner of an iphone 4S.

     I know what you're thinking, "OMG Speed, are you really that unaware of what a jerk you are how could you get any cooler?" Well kids, I did. In just the few days since I purchased my little pleasure machine, I've increased my IQ nearly 10 points - to an astonishing level; in fact, Siri now asks me questions. But, the fun doesn't end there; something else happens to you when you indulge in this particular guilty pleasure. Carrying this Betty also affects your metabolism and reverses the aging process! I'm now 7 lbs. lighter and appear a bit younger than when I first acquired Mr. Jobs' <moment of silence observed> handiwork.

     Frankly, I'm not certain how I, or anyone else for that matter, ever functioned without this marvel. Carrying this dynamo, packed into a sublime 4.8 oz. package, just seems such a perfect match. We are a fantastic team; we complete each other - finally, a Bonnie to my Clyde! If loving her is wrong, I don't wanna be right.

     Before I forget, I must thank those responsible for making this not-insignificant investment possible. It is for you, dear readers, that I've taken this plunge. Now even more of you have 24/7 access to me. Avail yourselves of the e-mail, text messaging, Skyping, Facebooking, etc. opportunities that exist - before it's too late. Don't let another day go by without enriching yourselves, by resting 'neath the tree of all knowledge that I'm destined to become.....

Editor's note: Shortly after completing this post, Speed's head, swelled by a combination of knowledge and hubris, became unstable on his neck. His frame, no longer able to support it's massive, medicine ball-like cranium, was air-lifted to an undisclosed medical facility in the Carribbean. Thankfully, the drainage procedure being employed will more than likely return him to normal <snicker>. Until then, Tommy G. will guest-host this blog. Nos petos preces of fidelis.