Mail Call

Nest Mates:

Here again dear worshipers, is another installment of the popular reader mail feature – wherein I provide a small sample of the questions I receive weekly, from folks the world over, desperate for my sage advice. While the responses given are issue-specific, it’s quite likely that significant life lessons may be gleaned, by keen observers, that are applicable to other vexing circumstances.

However, a word of warning: while subscribers are encouraged to lay their concerns on the altar of wisdom that my postings represent, caution should be exercised when attempting to apply advanced theorems in the mundane matters typically faced by a lower-functioning populace. Let’s get to it. <trumpet flourish>

Q: “What happened…?”  -  M. Romney

A: Let’s see, could it have been the perfect storm of inept campaign management, less than disastrous economic news in the last 3 weeks of the campaign, a natural disaster – tailor made for an incumbent to look “presidential” (not even gonna mention Chris Christie’s man love for your rival), and an electorate so chock full ‘o dumb that they make lemmings look reasoned? Dude, it was teed up for you!

Q: “Is this victory a mandate?”  -  B. Obama

A: Does Michelle know you’re talking about man dates? I see red; what do you see?

Q: “Why didn’t anyone return my robo-calls?”  -  P. Boone

Editor’s note: As a public service, Speed’s profanity-laced reply will not be printed. He remains enraged at what he believes is a clear case of elder abuse.

Q: “Speed, can I use your place next weekend?”  -  D. Patraeus

A: Shock & Awe, eh big guy? Got a feeling Mrs. P’s gonna make Benghazi seem like a safe house.

Q: “What should I do at QB; and, oh, are you gonna finish that?”  -  A. Reid

A: You lie down with dogs….. Only the tragedy that is your personal life prevents me, or anyone else, from really piling on. I do however, have two suggestions: retirement & gastric bypass.
 

Q: "Why won’t people take me seriously anymore?” -  D. Trump
A: Grasshopper - in the question is found the answer. <sigh - the tragedy of another home without mirrors.....>

         
    
That’s enough for now, my Demons. With the holidays approaching, I expect to once again spend most of my time pandering and positioning myself to receive as many gifts as possible shoulder the burden of ensuring peace on earth/goodwill to men, that falls to we few difference makers. Scientia est vox.....