Cisterns:
The revelatory events of the past week, once again serve as fodder for my delerious ramble literary luminescence. As a professional courtesy, I should maintain my silence with regard to the unpleasantness surrounding one of my brothers-in-prevarication, Manti Te'o. However, it would be criminally negligent to pass on the opportunity to use this pathetic experience as a teaching moment for all my little Speed Demons.
By now, you're certainly aware of the unfortunate bean spilling by Deadspin, and their myth-shattering expose of this poor fellow's feel good story. At this point, only those living north of the 38th parallel regard M.T.'s story plausible.
As one who routinely blurs a keen observer of the fine line between truth and fiction, I wondered where, in the annals of imaginary characters, this one falls. Of course, Manti's ephemeral gal-pal doesn't rate icon status in the Fictional Character Hall of Fame; that rare air is occupied by the likes of Santa Claus, Mickey Mouse, Paul Bunyan, et al. As such, let's examine how this imaginary figment stacks up against what we'll call the B-List of fabricated luminaries.
TOP SHELF - These characters are not as beloved as those fictional super-stars I've mentioned, but nonetheless occupy a reverential position in our culture. Examples of these are: Cinderella, Dracula, William Tell and G.I. Joe. Our dearly (sorta) departed Lennay Kekua, while an intriguing and still-evolving personage, will likely never approach the acceptance required for inclusion with this group.
Middlers - This is the largest group, and is populated by those for whom, at their mention, we nod and smile warmly, but hold no real emotional connection with. Examples of these are: Tom Sawyer, Cupid, Frankenstein, King Arthur and The Marlboro Man. Manti's dream-girl may one day ascend to this plane, but much more must be invented learned about her ( although, her faux-death experience is a good start).
Bottom Feeders - This collection is mostly occupied by anonymous creations like trolls, fairies and left-wingers. A few notable exceptions, whose names we remember are: Barbie, Joe Camel, Nancy Drew and The Little Engine That Could. Certainly, Lennay's candidacy has received a jump-start by the voracious attention this sad story has received (oh, and by the way, Lance Armstrong owes Manti Te'o dinner at a restaurant of his choosing), so it's quite possible that her application for permanent inclusion into this exclusive fraternity/sorority will be approved - albeit, posthumously; God rest her imaginary soul.
Let there be a lesson for you all in this story of the little linebacker that cried wolf; be careful what you wish for - she might die, or not........
1 Corinthians 15:55
BONUS TRACK ALERT!!!
Check out this prescient cut from the Atlanta Rhythm Section from 1978: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZHimj-crMrA
Somnambulists:
A belated Happy New Year to you all! I apologize for the tardy posting, but this Griz was hibernating the combined Christmas, Hanukah, Kwanza and Festivus hangovers somehow prevented me from cranking up the enthusiasm required to provide this communion-like editorial experience.
I did notice however, that during my bohemian exile there was a plethora of newsworthy events. Of course, these were dutifully reported by various mainstream and independent news outlets; mostly, an embarrasing display of shallow, indolent journalism. Unsurprisingly, I've been bombarded by requests for aid in comprehending these many pre-packaged, unsophisticated reports.
So, I've decided to, once again, infuse your world with my ceaseless banalities ride cavalry-like to the rescue, continuing my tireless efforts to expand my readership's ken. To accomplish this, I'll provide the most salient of news items that have occured since my last post, and endow my demons with the lucidity most require to comprehend such intricate and complex topics - via relevant, interpretive observations.
News Item: Mayans Miss the Mark - Sun Rises December 22
Commentary: Seriously, did anyone with a post-elementary education truly believe that this was an accurate prediction; did you do any holiday shopping? I rest my case. This didn't quite rise to the absurdity level of the Y2K frenzy, but it received way more notice than it merited.
News Item: America Goes Over the Fiscal Cliff (sort of)
Commentary: By now, you're certainly awash in the banalities of our nation's "fiscal cliff", so I won't tax you further. Suffice it to say that there are no good guys in this. Both political parties dug their heels in early on, and gave star turns playing their roles of the Scorpion and the Frog. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/TheScorpion and the Frog
News Item: Alabama & Notre Dame Played For National Title
Commentary: This was the NCAA's latest iteration of the "Game of the Century" (we have one every year). Typically, my interests are less pedestrian than this; however, it's in this shameless pandering to the lowest common denominator of my subscribers, that I shine most brilliantly, like a diamond. The game itself - not so much.
News Item: Beyonce' Plays Super Bowl XLVII Halftime Show
Commentary: This is what happens when cryogenics goes horribly wrong. Somehow, the stored reproductivity of Caligula joined that of Gypsy Rose Lee, producing the most obnoxiously garish spectacle imaginable. The apocolypse is upon us!
Bonus Track Alert!!!
As an added delight, I'm introducing a feature entitled, "What If They'd Hooked Up?" (see inspirational news item, above). Simply put, had nature taken it's course with certain individuals of note, the results are - in some instances - predictable.
~ Liberace + Annette Funicello = Justin Bieber
~ Haystacks Calhoon + Minnie Pearl = Honey Boo Boo
~ Judy Garland + Willie Sutton = Lindsay Lohan
~ Kim Jong Il + Elaine Benes = Psy
~ Methuselah + P.T. Barnum = Barbara Walters
~ Kato Kelin + Rosie the Riveter = Ty Pennington
All right my little beams of sunlight, that's all for now. Penning this installment has shaken me from my malaise and, with regard to my estimable reservoir of creative juice, the pedal is to the metal. Stay tuned .....
Usquequaque reputo
