Clearin' It Up

Somnambulists:

     A belated Happy New Year to you all! I apologize for the tardy posting, but this Griz was hibernating the combined Christmas, Hanukah, Kwanza and Festivus hangovers somehow prevented me from cranking up the enthusiasm required to provide this communion-like editorial experience.
     I did notice however, that during my bohemian exile there was a plethora of newsworthy events. Of course, these were dutifully reported by various mainstream and independent news outlets; mostly, an embarrasing display of shallow, indolent journalism. Unsurprisingly, I've been bombarded by requests for aid in comprehending these many pre-packaged, unsophisticated reports.

     So, I've decided to, once again, infuse your world with my ceaseless banalities ride cavalry-like to the rescue, continuing my tireless efforts to expand my readership's ken. To accomplish this, I'll provide the most salient of news items that have occured since my last post, and endow my demons with the lucidity most require to comprehend such intricate and complex topics - via relevant, interpretive observations.

News Item: Mayans Miss the Mark - Sun Rises December 22

Commentary: Seriously, did anyone with a post-elementary education truly believe that this was an accurate prediction; did you do any holiday shopping? I rest my case. This didn't quite rise to the absurdity level of the Y2K frenzy, but it received way more notice than it merited.

News Item: America Goes Over the Fiscal Cliff (sort of)

Commentary: By now, you're certainly awash in the banalities of our nation's "fiscal cliff", so I won't tax you further. Suffice it to say that there are no good guys in this. Both political parties dug their heels in early on, and gave star turns playing their roles of the Scorpion and the Frog. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/TheScorpion and the Frog

News Item: Alabama & Notre Dame Played For National Title
Commentary: This was the NCAA's latest iteration of the "Game of the Century" (we have one every year). Typically, my interests are less pedestrian than this; however, it's in this shameless pandering to the lowest common denominator of my subscribers, that I shine most brilliantly, like a diamond. The game itself - not so much.

News Item: Beyonce' Plays Super Bowl XLVII Halftime Show

Commentary: This is what happens when cryogenics goes horribly wrong. Somehow, the stored reproductivity of Caligula joined that of Gypsy Rose Lee, producing the most obnoxiously garish spectacle imaginable. The apocolypse is upon us!

Bonus Track Alert!!!

     As an added delight, I'm introducing a feature entitled, "What If They'd Hooked Up?" (see inspirational news item, above). Simply put, had nature taken it's course with certain individuals of note, the results are - in some instances - predictable.


 
~ Liberace + Annette Funicello = Justin Bieber
~ Haystacks Calhoon + Minnie Pearl = Honey Boo Boo
~ Judy Garland + Willie Sutton = Lindsay Lohan
~ Kim Jong Il + Elaine Benes = Psy
~ Methuselah + P.T. Barnum = Barbara Walters
~ Kato Kelin + Rosie the Riveter = Ty Pennington
 
     All right my little beams of sunlight, that's all for now. Penning this installment has shaken me from my malaise and, with regard to my estimable reservoir of creative juice, the pedal is to the metal. Stay tuned .....
Usquequaque reputo