Readin' & Writin'

Gingerbreads:
     The 105th day of my imprisonment has nearly passed. Outside the walls of my Fortress of Solitude, I hear the dogs of melancholy, baying mournfully, mocking my ineffective attempts to regain consequence. It is this fetid condition that breaks mere mortals; it is here that I wallow in unyielding despair, dangling just above the pit of doom unsurprisingly however, I remain blithely unaffected.
 
    
     It is because of this, my unflappable optimism and unlimited reserve of good, good, good, good vibrations <shout-out to Brian Wilson>, that I'm able to channel this positive energy for the benefit of mankind, rather than evil. I receive nary a one literally hundreds of inquiries each day, requesting information or (naturally) sage advice. Typically, my staff handles these missives with indifferent aplomb; lately however, my schedule is sufficiently cleared to permit me to respond to several of these myself. This exercise, commonly known as Speed's Mailbag, is a popular feature of this blather, so why not pander to the appetites of those less blessed than I? Let's dig in.

Q: Did I say something wrong?  -  P. Dean
A: Clearly, there is a threshold of how many sticks of butter one can eat - after which, the brain becomes like the tree around which Little Black Sambo watches the tigers run. My God, now you've got me doing it!!!!!!!!!




Q: Do you know a good lawyer?  -  A. Hernandez
A: Let's see: you had the house scrubbed, you tampered with the surveillance video, you lied to investigators; nope, there's no one that good.



Q: Do you think I'm a patriot?  -  E. Snowden
A: I suspect you already know what I think. I suspect you also know where I live, who my friends are, where I go, and what I had for breakfast. You're like Santa Claus, without any of the cheeriness.

Q: Why don't I get no [sic] respect?  -  J. Bieber  <Editor's note: this is just one iteration of the dozens of entreaties Speed receives from the Biebs - who seems to have some dark fascination with your beloved author>
A: For the life of me, I cannot fathom why anyone wouldn't consider you a legitimate artist. We take you as seriously as we can.



Q: Did I do the right thing by coming clean?  -  M. Douglas
A: Oh my; sometimes the truth doesn't set you free.

    

     That's all for now webelos; my G&T is nearly gone, and time is running out on this mailbag edition. I do want to alert you to watch for the next  installment, wherein I'll once again regale you all with a review of the 2013 Killa Flotilla. I anticipate clear skies, calm seas, and yet another sighting of my mermaid - the siren who draws me inexorably toward the rocks. Until then, pax vobiscum....