Earthlings:
Prepare yourselves for the strongest intellectual stimulation possible without a prescription. Like you, my loyal, devoted, marginally obsessive readers, I am a product of my environment - specifically, the time, place and circumstance of my formative years. Conceived in the forties, born in the fifties, and raised in the sixties, my early years were that of privilege; raised primarily by nannies and au pairs, I was consistently educated beyond my station - exposed to academic and life experiences afforded to only the entitled - thereby producing the renaissance man you have before you.
A large part of this cultural osmosis was driven by the television shows, comic books and movies of the period. As I recall those halcyon days, those which left the most indelible marks on me were ones whose main characters were Super Heroes. Recalling the exploits of Super Man, The Flash, Batman, The Hulk, The Green Lantern and Captain America, still stirs the fires of imagination, first lit within that dear sweet boy years before. 
Since then, I've made the most of my earth-bound existence, blazing trails and leaving lessers in my wake; however, there's always been that tug - that small, incessant yen to break these mortal bonds with which I've been cursed - and harness the super powers that I genuinely believe to be my birthright. Conspiratorial events (read, the bite of karma's dog <Felaheen reference>) of the past 8 months have unwittingly aligned to provide me with ample opportunity for fantasy, most of which involve my acquiring some amazing ability, and parlaying that into some delicious retribution for my persecutors channeling that to benefit mankind.
It is in this vein that I've determined to reveal some (certainly not all) of my fantasies if this ilk. I believe that harnessing these powers for good, is yet another demonstration of my societal largesse. While others seek to enrich themselves or accumulate power and status, I've chosen a different path. <Editor's Note: Once again, Speed evidences his uncanny ability to master the obvious.> In this tome, I'll reveal my innermost thoughts, - until now, sequestered in one of the many dark, hitherto inaccessible regions of this mensan vault. As a public service, the following are my most desired super powers, and their most likely application for the greater good.
SUPER VISION - For purposes of this writing, I'm discarding the traditional visual acuity, as well as x-ray vision. Rather, I would prefer the ability to see people and things as they really are, rather than what they appear to be. Blessed with this powerful gift, I'd be able to immediately identify smarmy disingenuousness before it's too late. This would prove especially helpful every year in May and November, thereby saving us all a lot of trouble - kinda like being able to identify which cars are lemons before you buy them, which, though considerably easier, would also prove useful.
SUPER STRENGTH - This is more straightforward; I would love to have a Hulk-like physique and power of a grizzly bear. Of course, I'd use it responsibly, saving scores from a laundry list of perils (catching falling buildings, stopping runaway trains, etc.); but I'd also provide a significant boost to our flagging economy, by single handedly reviving the Carnival Side Show industry. Think of all the jobs that would be created by once again, returning theses bastions of affordable entertainment to the masses. Thousands would find employment as ticket takers, barkers, vendors - and many more currently under-employed freaks/geeks would once more find themselves in demand by a gawking public, by now addicted by network television to sad, cruel spectacles.
SUPER HEARING - This one is trickier, as I shudder to think what would happen should this ability fall into the wrong hands. Though I'd never be tempted to listen in on anyone's private conversations, and frankly cannot fathom why anyone would, the temptation would nonetheless exist. To guard against this, I would inundate myself with the conversations of everyone; the resultant tsunami of auditory stimuli would prevent me from focusing on any one person. This selfless act is not without benefit though; as I'd, in theory, be able to hear everyone speaking to everyone else - and in so doing, learn what's happening in everyone's lives - I'd no longer be slavishly devoted to Facebook.
SUPER SPEED - I know, I know - this sounds suspiciously like the moniker acquired from my many admirers; however, I've included this, as I have never shown particular celerity, and believe that this power could be used to make a huge difference in our collective quality of life. Upon encountering one of the feckless clods who believe that wearing their pants at half mast offers us all the opportunity to marvel at their dopey underwear, I'd move in at lightning pace and pants him. Naturally, these cretins will have no idea what's just happened, so their feet will continue to shuffle and ultimately, result in a nasty fall. These occasions will continue until trolls the world over are too terrified to continue this dim-witted fashion statement, and return their waistbands to a more appropriate latitude. You're welcome!
SUPER INTELLECT - Actually, this one already resides in my tool box. I suppose the best use for this is to continue offering sage counsel and serve as an encyclopedic reference source for all. Knowing me is like going to college, and information I offer typically qualifies for CEUs. <Editor's Note: Sigh.>
There, don't you all feel better now? Just musing about the possibilities gives me sweet dreams. But alas, as is too often the case, I'm jolted back to reality by yet another bleating harangue. So that's all for now children; take heart though, as I vow to drift in and out of your consciousness with several more posts before the end of the year. So, until next time, settle in by the holiday fire and stay warm. Mane devotior meo daemonia.......
Correspondents:
Like many great writers, I've developed quite a following among the literati, no doubt serving as an endless font of rapacious, self promoting blather inspiration to those whose orbits have been fortunate enough to intersect mine - evidencing this is the remarkable volume of mail I receive each day, from admirers from near and far; some take the form of invitations to exclusive membership groupings, some begging my attendance at various soirées, while others seek advice or counsel in sensitive matters of state, requiring insight, élan and panache not available in the general populace, that they might otherwise never have access to. <Editor's Note: All hail Speed, King of the run-on sentence.>
It is the latter grouping to which today's edition is directed. While it is impossible, even for me, to personally answer all the inquiries I receive, I feel compelled to present a lucky few with responses to their pitifully banal inquiries. <Additional Editor's Note: How can you abide this clown? He is so full of himself today, that I fear he'll explode. I implore you to save yourself the pain of reading further.> With these constraints, I've decided to limit my focus to those questions I've received from those with a modicum of celebrity, in a vainglorious attempt to curry future favor, should I ever need a handout. Here we go.
Q: "Why hasn't my healthcare program been more popular?" - Barak O.
A: I'll attempt to answer this in writing; I tried to call, but couldn't get through. How's this: if you decide to wrap the most complex program imaginable in a covering of mostly unintelligible gibberish, then market it in such a way as to confound even those most desirous of its utilization, and finally blame its foundering on your enemies, what exactly DID you expect?
Q: "Tell all my friends in Philly to stick it up their #$%!" - Andy R.
A: While technically, this is not a question, or a request for advice, I decided to publish it anyway. Actually, it was written on deli-wrap, and the aroma of cheesesteak was so intoxicating, I couldn't resist.
Q: "I can't thank you enough for your advice to be more humble and approachable, and less pontific. This really seems to be working out well." - Jorge Mario B.
A: Again, this is not a question but, you're welcome Your Holiness.
Q: "What should you do if someone you trusted and thought was a friend, suddenly begins eavesdropping on you?" - Angela M.
A: What part of tearing down that wall didn't you understand? Are you certain this person is your friend (see WWI / WWII)? Maybe you should try speaking in code (bwahahaha).
Q: "What should I do about Lamar?" - Khloe K.
A: Well, you could confer with your mother and sister; they are paragons of virtue and the rocks you can cling to. Above all however, make sure that the press receives advance notice of every move.
Q: "Who should I vote for in the Mayoral race?" - Linda T.
A: Sorry, I should have gotten back to you sooner. At this point, it doesn't matter, but I do want to tell you that I believe - from the bottom of my heart - that you did the best you could ... therein lies the rub.
Well, enough of this. Helping little people is exhausting and tries my patience <dismissive wave>. I consider installments of this type as a form of literary community service; I do it because I have to, not because I want to <Final Editor's Note: I tried to tell you, but you wouldn't listen; he's insufferable.> There's just not enough money to be made. Solace must be taken, and I've dispatched an intern to fetch me a batch of Bloody Marys. How do you spell relief.........? Sicut anuses opiniones sint, unus quisque evaderet.
