I'm Your Super Hero

Earthlings:

     Prepare yourselves for the strongest intellectual stimulation possible without a prescription. Like you, my loyal, devoted, marginally obsessive readers, I am a product of my environment - specifically, the time, place and circumstance of my formative years. Conceived in the forties, born in the fifties, and raised in the sixties, my early years were that of privilege; raised primarily by nannies and au pairs, I was consistently educated beyond my station - exposed to academic and life experiences afforded to only the entitled - thereby producing the renaissance man you have before you.
     A large part of this cultural osmosis was driven by the television shows, comic books and movies of the period. As I recall those halcyon days, those which left the most indelible marks on me were ones whose main characters were Super Heroes. Recalling the exploits of Super Man, The Flash, Batman, The Hulk, The Green Lantern and Captain America, still stirs the fires of imagination, first lit within that dear sweet boy years before.      Since then, I've made the most of my earth-bound existence, blazing trails and leaving lessers in my wake; however, there's always been that tug - that small, incessant yen to break these mortal bonds with which I've been cursed - and harness the super powers that I genuinely believe to be my birthright. Conspiratorial events (read, the bite of karma's dog <Felaheen reference>) of the past 8 months have unwittingly aligned to provide me with ample opportunity for fantasy, most of which involve my acquiring some amazing ability, and parlaying that into some delicious retribution for my persecutors channeling that to benefit mankind.

     It is in this vein that I've determined to reveal some (certainly not all) of my fantasies if this ilk. I believe that harnessing these powers for good, is yet another demonstration of my societal largesse. While others seek to enrich themselves or accumulate power and status, I've chosen a different path. <Editor's Note: Once again, Speed evidences his uncanny ability to master the obvious.> In this tome, I'll reveal my innermost thoughts, - until now, sequestered in one of the many dark, hitherto inaccessible regions of this mensan vault. As a public service, the following are my most desired super powers, and their most likely application for the greater good.

SUPER VISION - For purposes of this writing, I'm discarding the traditional visual acuity, as well as x-ray vision. Rather, I would prefer the ability to see people and things as they really are, rather than what they appear to be. Blessed with this powerful gift, I'd be able to immediately identify smarmy disingenuousness before it's too late. This would prove especially helpful every year in May and November, thereby saving us all a lot of trouble - kinda like being able to identify which cars are lemons before you buy them, which, though considerably easier, would also prove useful.
  
SUPER STRENGTH - This is more straightforward; I would love to have a Hulk-like physique and power of a grizzly bear. Of course, I'd use it responsibly, saving scores from a laundry list of perils (catching falling buildings, stopping runaway trains, etc.); but I'd also provide a significant boost to our flagging economy, by single handedly reviving the Carnival Side Show industry. Think of all the jobs that would be created by once again, returning theses bastions of affordable entertainment to the masses. Thousands would find employment as ticket takers, barkers, vendors - and many more currently under-employed freaks/geeks would once more find themselves in demand by a gawking public, by now addicted by network television to sad, cruel spectacles. 

SUPER HEARING - This one is trickier, as I shudder to think what would happen should this ability fall into the wrong hands. Though I'd never be tempted to listen in on anyone's private conversations, and frankly cannot fathom why anyone would, the temptation would nonetheless exist. To guard against this, I would inundate myself with the conversations of everyone; the resultant tsunami of auditory stimuli would prevent me from focusing on any one person. This selfless act is not without benefit though; as I'd, in theory, be able to hear everyone speaking to everyone else - and in so doing, learn what's happening in everyone's lives - I'd no longer be slavishly devoted to Facebook.
SUPER SPEED - I know, I know - this sounds suspiciously like the moniker acquired from my many admirers; however, I've included this, as I have never shown particular celerity, and believe that this power could be used to make a huge difference in our collective quality of life. Upon encountering one of the feckless clods who believe that wearing their pants at half mast offers us all the opportunity to marvel at their dopey underwear, I'd move in at lightning pace and pants him. Naturally, these cretins will have no idea what's just happened, so their feet will continue to shuffle and ultimately, result in a nasty fall. These occasions will continue until trolls the world over are too terrified to continue this dim-witted fashion statement, and return their waistbands to a more appropriate latitude. You're welcome!

SUPER INTELLECT - Actually, this one already resides in my tool box. I suppose the best use for this is to continue offering sage counsel and serve as an encyclopedic reference source for all. Knowing me is like going to college, and information I offer typically qualifies for CEUs. <Editor's Note: Sigh.>

 

     There, don't you all feel better now? Just musing about the possibilities gives me sweet dreams. But alas, as is too often the case, I'm jolted back to reality by yet another bleating harangue. So that's all for now children; take heart though, as I vow to drift in and out of your consciousness with several more posts before the end of the year. So, until next time, settle in by the holiday fire and stay warm.  Mane devotior meo daemonia.......