Mail Sack

Correspondents:
     Like many great writers, I've developed quite a following among the literati, no doubt serving as an endless font of rapacious, self promoting blather inspiration to those whose orbits have been fortunate enough to intersect mine - evidencing this is the remarkable volume of mail I receive each day, from admirers from near and far; some take the form of invitations to exclusive membership groupings, some begging my attendance at various soirées, while others seek advice or counsel in sensitive matters of state, requiring insight, élan and panache not available in the general populace, that they might otherwise never have access to. <Editor's Note: All hail Speed, King of the run-on sentence.> 
     It is the latter grouping to which today's edition is directed. While it is impossible, even for me, to personally answer all the inquiries I receive, I feel compelled to present a lucky few with responses to their pitifully banal inquiries. <Additional Editor's Note: How can you abide this clown? He is so full of himself today, that I fear he'll explode. I implore you to save yourself the pain of reading further.> With these constraints, I've decided to limit my focus to those questions I've received from those with a modicum of celebrity, in a vainglorious attempt to curry future favor, should I ever need a handout.  Here we go.

Q: "Why hasn't my healthcare program been more popular?" - Barak O.
A: I'll attempt to answer this in writing; I tried to call, but couldn't get through. How's this: if you decide to wrap the most complex program imaginable in a covering of mostly unintelligible gibberish, then market it in such a way as to confound even those most desirous of its utilization, and finally blame its foundering on your enemies, what exactly DID you expect?

Q: "Tell all my friends in Philly to stick it up their #$%!" - Andy R.
A: While technically, this is not a question, or a request for advice, I decided to publish it anyway. Actually, it was written on deli-wrap, and the aroma of cheesesteak was so intoxicating, I couldn't resist.





Q: "I can't thank you enough for your advice to be more humble and approachable, and less pontific. This really seems to be working out well."  -  Jorge Mario B.
A: Again, this is not a question but, you're welcome Your Holiness.




Q: "What should you do if someone you trusted and thought was a friend, suddenly begins eavesdropping on you?"  -  Angela M.
A: What part of tearing down that wall didn't you understand? Are you certain this person is your friend (see WWI / WWII)? Maybe you should try speaking in code (bwahahaha).

Q: "What should I do about Lamar?"  -  Khloe K.
A: Well, you could confer with your mother and sister; they are paragons of virtue and the rocks you can cling to. Above all however, make sure that the press receives advance notice of every move.








Q: "Who should I vote for in the Mayoral race?"  -  Linda T.
A: Sorry, I should have gotten back to you sooner. At this point, it doesn't matter, but I do want to tell you that I believe - from the bottom of my heart - that you did the best you could ... therein lies the rub.

     Well, enough of this. Helping little people is exhausting and tries my patience <dismissive wave>. I consider installments of this type as a form of literary community service; I do it because I have to, not because I want to <Final Editor's Note: I tried to tell you, but you wouldn't listen; he's insufferable.> There's just not enough money to be made. Solace must be taken, and I've dispatched an intern to fetch me a batch of Bloody Marys. How do you spell relief.........?  Sicut anuses opiniones sint, unus quisque evaderet.