The Envelope Please

Birds Of A Feather:
     I'm certain that you're so over my incessant, interruptive ravings addicted with all things Speed; it's not surprising. Take comfort little ones, in the knowledge that once again, I've failed you not.
     As I  watch the year of Our Lord 2012 stumble and lurch to a close, nary a day passes without someone offering  up a listing of the "Year's Best" of this or that. Because in my alternate reality, plagiarism is a virtue, not a vice, I've decideed to compile a listing of my own to share with you good followers. I expect a few hide-bound legalists to protest any annual listing created prior to the end of a given year; to you I offer this - what if the Mayans are right, ever think of that?
     Owing to the global nature of my interests, I shan't limit this traipse through mundanity to a single genre; rather, it is my intent to cut a broad a swath possible. As such, here are my award winners:

Mother Of The Year

Winner: Patricia Krentcil (aka "Tanning Mom") - This bat-shit crazy lady first burst onto the scene in May of this year, when her arrest for endangering the welfare of a child was first reported. It was alleged that she took her 5-year old daughter into the tanning booth with her, in a rabid attempt to become a human Slim Jim. In her rambling denial, Krentcil offered the following in her defense, "Any mother that makes an accusation about me is not a mother, because I'm a great mother and would never do that to my child." She continued, "There's somebody out there on my whole life that doesn't like me because they're jealous, they're fat and they're ugly." 
     This copper-toned crank followed up her proud "moment in the sun" with a slobbering performance at a New York drag show in August. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2195664/Patricia-Krentcil-Tanning-mom-kicked-stage-New-York-drag-control-drunk.html
First Runner-Up: Sarah Burge (aka "The Human Barbie") - She's so over-the-top focused on the ideal body that she presented her 7-year old daughter with a gift certificate for liposuction. How nurturing.

Creep Of The Year

Winner: Jerry Sandusky - This is a slam dunk. His crimes were too horrible for even me to skewer.
First Runner-Up: Jimmy Savile (Awarded Postumously) - Although he died last year, Jimmy's actions over 6 decades came to light this year with hundreds of allegations of child sex abuse. Like Sandusky, Jimmy's employer (the BBC) stands accused of enabling and not acting on information they'd received, regarding his actions. I won't dignify this loathsome creature with an image - look him up for yourself if you're so inclined.

Worst Prediction Of The Year

Winner: Daily Kos (A blog that publishes news and opinions, whose efforts are primarily directed toward influencing and strengthening the Democratic Party) - Their October 20th, 2012 edition featured a story entitled "Injecting reality into the Hurricane Sandy discussion, re: the Northeast", wherein they pooh poohed the notion that Sandy would cause significant damage, and opine that it will likely not make landfall in the U.S. This just proves that brains are not a requisite for publishing a blog. Obviously, an honest mistake.     http://www.dailykos.com/story/2012/10/23/1149184/-Injecting-reality-into-the-Hurricane-Sandy-discussion-re-  
First Runner-Up: Wayne Allen Root (American politician. entrepreneur, television & radio personality, author and political commentator) - On October 9th, Root penned an opinion piece that outlined his reason for predicting a Romney landslide victory in the November election. Oops... http://www.foxnews.com/opinion/2012/10/09/romney-will-win-in-landslide-las-vegas-oddsmaker-doubles-down-on-prediction/

Dumbest Sum'bitch Of The Year

Winner: Thomas Grant - This wing-nut shot his 6-year old cousin, who was dressed in a black costume and hat with a white feather for Holloween, mistaking her for a skunk. Apparently, Tommy Boy inherited his weapons-grade stupidity, as it was his mother who initially spotted the "varmint", then shined a flashlight on what they both had to believe was the largest skunk ever, while her little man leveled a shotgun blast at the unfortunate tyke.

First Runner-Up: Joseph Shea - Throwing caution to the wind is apparently Joey's signature move. Westhampton police arrested the tabernacle, NJ party boy when he drove drunk to the police station at 6:45am on Thanksgiving Day, to pick up a friend - who had been charged with DUI just hours earlier. Well played, my friend.

     There you have it my dears; once again Speed has not disappointed. I invite those of you who are so inclined, to submit their own suggestions for award catagories and nominees. I'll be happy to publish those I deem worthy. Until next time, I remain your Dream Come True....... Rego!

Say what you mean; mean what you say.

Pilgrims:

     As a value-added benefit of your subscription to this revelatory missive, provided is a primer on understanding what I'll call illusory speech; that being - words spoken that appear to carry one meaning, but in fact contain another. For those more anserine, I'll offer an example: when my spouse-mate says "It looks like the neighbors have raked their leaves." what's really being said is, "Go rake the leaves in our yard, so I'm no longer embarrassed by your acute lack of motivation!".
     To warm up, I'll provide my considerable insight for these well known saws; you'll get the idea.

When it's said - "To err is human, to forgive is divine." (Alexander Pope)
What it means - Only a fool would do that; fortunately, I'm not a fool.

When it's said - "A stitch in time saves nine." (Thomas Fuller)
What it means - Your planning skills are non-existant.

When it's said - "Neither a borrower nor a lender be." (William Shakespeare: Hamlet - Polonius, Act 1, Scene 3)
What it means - No.

     Now, let's get to more contemporary examples:

When it's said - "I want to thank every American who participated in this election." (Barak Obama)
What it means - Your check is in the mail.

When it's said - "Sarah Palin is the running mate who can best help me shake up Washington."
What it means - I hope to God this IS a beauty contest.

When it's said - "You have to be unique, and different, and shine in your own way." (Lady Gaga)
What it means - The freak show industry remains a strong career path.


When it's said - "You know, I'm a television personality. It's not like I'm a famous hooker or something." (Nancy Grace)
What it means - .....you know, I think she said exactly what she meant.

When it's said - "We are all capable of infinately more that we believe." (David Blaine)
What it means - I'll do anything for money.

When it's said - "Nobody and nothing will stop Russia on the road to strengthening democracy and ensuring human rights and freedoms." (Vladimir Putin)
What it means - I know where your entire family lives.

     That's enough for now drumsticks; you're now imbued with insight far beyond your station. Until next time, I'm out here on the ledge - loving the view.....

- est sicut scienta ad collegium me -

Mail Call

Nest Mates:

Here again dear worshipers, is another installment of the popular reader mail feature – wherein I provide a small sample of the questions I receive weekly, from folks the world over, desperate for my sage advice. While the responses given are issue-specific, it’s quite likely that significant life lessons may be gleaned, by keen observers, that are applicable to other vexing circumstances.

However, a word of warning: while subscribers are encouraged to lay their concerns on the altar of wisdom that my postings represent, caution should be exercised when attempting to apply advanced theorems in the mundane matters typically faced by a lower-functioning populace. Let’s get to it. <trumpet flourish>

Q: “What happened…?”  -  M. Romney

A: Let’s see, could it have been the perfect storm of inept campaign management, less than disastrous economic news in the last 3 weeks of the campaign, a natural disaster – tailor made for an incumbent to look “presidential” (not even gonna mention Chris Christie’s man love for your rival), and an electorate so chock full ‘o dumb that they make lemmings look reasoned? Dude, it was teed up for you!

Q: “Is this victory a mandate?”  -  B. Obama

A: Does Michelle know you’re talking about man dates? I see red; what do you see?

Q: “Why didn’t anyone return my robo-calls?”  -  P. Boone

Editor’s note: As a public service, Speed’s profanity-laced reply will not be printed. He remains enraged at what he believes is a clear case of elder abuse.

Q: “Speed, can I use your place next weekend?”  -  D. Patraeus

A: Shock & Awe, eh big guy? Got a feeling Mrs. P’s gonna make Benghazi seem like a safe house.

Q: “What should I do at QB; and, oh, are you gonna finish that?”  -  A. Reid

A: You lie down with dogs….. Only the tragedy that is your personal life prevents me, or anyone else, from really piling on. I do however, have two suggestions: retirement & gastric bypass.
 

Q: "Why won’t people take me seriously anymore?” -  D. Trump
A: Grasshopper - in the question is found the answer. <sigh - the tragedy of another home without mirrors.....>

         
    
That’s enough for now, my Demons. With the holidays approaching, I expect to once again spend most of my time pandering and positioning myself to receive as many gifts as possible shoulder the burden of ensuring peace on earth/goodwill to men, that falls to we few difference makers. Scientia est vox.....

Coming Attractions

Customers:
     In the halcyon days of my youth, one of my favorite bands was Ten Years After http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ten_Years_After. I always thought that was a cool name, but wasn't sure exactly what it meant - Ten years After what?
     Pondering this again recently, I thought it might be entertaining to  demonstrate, yet again, just how desperate my attention-getting antics have become my incredible ability to see into the future. So, without further blather, here is my view of November, 2022 - ten years from now. I've established categories to facilitate clarity for even the most limited dullards; this is a long one - buckle up.

Politics - On the national scene, President Nicole Polizzi remains mired in a scandal that has dogged her since her stunning election in 2020, wherein she narrowly defeated both her Republican and Democratic challengers, Mark Emmert and Ron Paul (finally - he changed parties, and simply outlasted everyone), respectively. Effectively dealing a death blow to the traditional two party system, Prez Snooki (as she prefers to be called) rode the combined waves of a colossally ignorant electorate and a viewing public transfixed by this human train wreck, to an astonishing victory.
Plagued by persistent rumors that teen-queen Honey Boo Boo is really her love child, sired by Larry the Cable Guy - who steadfastly maintains his silence in the matter - Snooki's first term has mirrored her inconsequential television career.

     In PA statewide matters, the race for Governor continues to tighten between Republican challenger Scott Paterno, and the incumbent Democrat Linda Thompson. Polls indicate that Paterno is eating into Thompson's lead; however, her statewide campaign headquarters announced today that she's recovering nicely from the unfortunate incident in their last debate, where Paterno thought  Governor Thompson's faux pearl necklace was a string of popcorn, and nearly chewed through her neck.

Sports - The NFL cancelled this week's slate of games in the U.S., Europe and Japan, out of respect for the recent passing of NFL Commissioner, Jerry Jones. Jones sold the Cowboys to former U.S. President George Bush, for an estimated $38 billion.
     Major League Baseball released the starting times for this year's World Series, set to begin in Toronto on December 2nd. This year's contest pits the Blue Jays against the expansion Las Vegas Yankees, who relocated from new York to avoid the impending sea-level rise.

     The NBA announced that its first month's scheduled slate of games has been cancelled. The now 2 1/2 year long work stoppage continues to erode the league's fan base of gang bangers and leprechauns, as both ownership and the player's union, with its titular head, Charles Barkley, remain entrenched in their positions. Neither side will yield on its demand to receive 95% of all league revenue, nor the real sticking point of the player's demand that the owners pay all criminal and civil fines levied against any player that runs afoul of the law. Commissioner Shaquille O'Neal estimates that child support alone could bankrupt the league.
     The National Hockey League, citing declining attendance and revenue for the 10th consecutive year, disbanded. This move was not unexpected, as the league struggled to remain viable after most of its star players signed to play themselves, in the History Channel's hit reality series, Ice Road Puckers.
World Events - Prospects for Middle East peace took a negative turn when U.N. brokered talks were cancelled, due to the inexplicable series of major winter storms plaguing the region. "Ice and snow have become the new normal." said a spokesman familiar with the region. In a related development, the World Climate Summit, scheduled to begin Monday in Tokyo, has been indefinitely postponed due to lagging registrations.

     United Nations Secretary General Bono announced that peace keeping forces will again be sent to the troubled U.S.-Mexican border region, where unrest continues to rage. "I guess the 30 foot wall and 600 miles of electrified fencing isn't enough." said Bono through a spokesman. Rival American and Mexican drug cartel members remain locked in a struggle to gain dominance in what's become the largest industry in both countries. "Thank God they're at least taxing the American sales; at least I think they are." quipped Texas Governor Willie Nelson.

Entertainment - People Magazine's latest issue featured a cover story on the new power brokers of the industry. Former top dog Oprah Winfrey, now under federal indictment for mail fraud and practicing witchcraft, has been displace by true entertainment royalty. Blanket Jackson has been named "Hollywood's Most Powerful Figure", by the all-digital tabloid. "Though no one has actually seen Blanket in the last 5 years, his influence is totally radical, bro." mumbled People's editor-in-chief, Keanu Reeves.

     The industry today continues its outpouring of grief in the wake of the passing of former child-star Macauley Caulkin. Through his agent, renown gay-porn actor Ashton Kutcher said, "He was like a brother to me; it's always sad when we outlive our careers."

     At the movies, Rocky XIII, "The Juicers Last Round" continues to smash box office records, out grossing its nearest rival "Blue Bloods" (think Avatar joining an LA gang)  by nearly 2 to 1. The septuagenarian Sylvester Stallone faces his most fearsome challenge yet, squaring off with a creaky Arnold Schwarzenegger, in an MMA style cockfight. Lindsay Lohan's career revival is boosted by her star turn as the referee, torn between her pledge to officiate a clean bout, and her forbidden love for them both.

     On the small screen (relative term, as TV sets now routinely span 175") Dancing With the Stars continues its remarkable run as the nation's most watched show. DWTS owes its phenomenal success to the decision to permit - and later, require - weaponry on the dance floor. The Crystal Ball Trophy was last awarded to the killer team of Ashley & Mary Kate Olsen, and this season they're back to defend their title. By virtue of their win last year, the Twin Terrors will receive an automatic spot in the final round - the much anticipated, Dance of Death. 

     That's it from the future kids. Until next time, stay addicted.....
  

A Camping We Will Go

Tenderfeet:
     I'm nothing, if not a man of my word. Having whetted your appetites for ever-increased doses of the verbose pablum that serves as the foundation for this senseless ramble intellectual nourishment that these literary victuals provide, it is with great pleasure that I regale you with my latest episode from the verdant glade. Cringe not; I'll be brief.
     This, the 19th iteration of our annual camping trip to a nearby state park began - as it always does - with a visit to the ranger station. There, K2 reconnected with the ladies of the park office staff who were stunned to learn that these morons had actually survived another year overjoyed to see us again. After dropping off a fine load of dry firewood, we settled in to await the arrival of the rest of the troupe.
     The next 45 hours were spent alternatively feeding like vultures, smoking like chimneys and lazing like the gorged carnivores we are. Campfires, replete with the obligatory explosive rigging, were the focal point of this pack of migrants. Naturally, my rock star-like aura served as catnip to these (by now) scruffy tabbies, and they predictably followed my every lead.

     One such example was an all too short kayak excursion on the lake, with one of the woodland nymphs. The water was calm, my strokes were smooth & sure and our progress was unimpeded as we managed a first place finish in that day's watercraft regatta.

     Our weekend calm was shattered however, by a Sasquatch sighting. No, not the kind spotted by an overweight, dim-witted founder of the local Sasquatch Hunters Club - no sir. This was a real-life, confirmed sighting. Here finally, is visual evidence of the beast's fearsome visage - taken just as it pulled its enormous head out of a cheese puff bag. Fortunately, I was able to shoo the monster back into the woods; I confounded it by laying a trail of ginger snaps in a westerly direction - away from our camp - and it simply followed its nose.

     Little else of consequence occurred, and our haitus ended with a premature withdrawal from the campsite, in advance of Hurricane Sandy's impending arrival. I can never say no to Mother Nature. Ego vobis valedico.......

The Sporting Life

Devotees:

     Those of you fortunate enough to know me well, understand the prominent role that major college and professional sports have played in my seemingly endless universe of interests.
     Cursed with an embarrasing lack of ability, I struggled to achieve barely adequate performance in any thing and had no choice but to turn my attention to becoming a fan of athletics, rather than a participant. Blessed with an abundance of natural ability and skill (my record of 38 home runs in our backyard Home Run Derby stands to this day), I naturally gravitated toward athletics, excelling in everything I tried. Coevally, interest in sporting teams I had adopted as my own, was developing at a brisk pace. My preferences were: Baseball - New York Yankees / Basketball - Los Angeles Lakers / Hockey - New York Rangers / College Football - Penn State Nittany Lions.
     As I matured and my intellect soared, it became apparent that little/no attention need be paid to Soccer; hence, my lifelong disdain for that. I flirt occasionally with Golf (don't get me started on Tiger Woods - deep sigh, eyes rolling), but that waxes and wanes. In the intervening years since my youth, I have modified my focus, paring Basketball from the list of sports in which I held an interest. 
    Surely, dear folk, you'll agree that it has morphed from the beautiful hardwood ballet of Cousy and the Big O, to the unwatchable, cartoonish, Dancing With The Stars version that LeBron and Kobe currently treat us to.
     I provide this background as the foundation of my current malaise; I'm adrift in a soupy mix into which my predelictions have led me. My beloved Yankees have, yet again, soiled the bed of Post-Season play - the NHL is mired in a contentious strike/lockout <vernacular depends on your bias> - and good old PSU finds itself in a spot that was absolutelyunimaginable just one short year ago; "Say it ain't so, Joe!"
      With Fall upon us and Winter not far behind, the
gloom is palpable. As such, I find myself groping for a modicum of joy, a sliver of bliss to replace what's been so tragically lost. It is for this reason that I've decided to turn my attention to the more refined pursuits that lie ahead. In the weeks to come, my foci narrow to my annual camping trip to Gifford Pinchot State Park, perfecting my Bloody Mary recipe for the holidays, and of course, compiling my annual Christmas gift list (volumes I, II & III).
     References and recaps of all these will follow in posts to come. In the meantime, stay warm, my diamonds. Ens me est ita frigis....



EDITOR'S NOTE:
     As by now you know, Speed recently returned from a sojourn to Sierra Leone, where his arrival went largely unnoticed was hailed as a great holiday (they even cleaned the streets for him). He and his travel-mate Bearcat, have formed their own Non-Governmental Organization (NGO): Jerks Without Borders.
     However, the effort required to spread their own sappy brand of Tommyrot is not without cost. Contributions to this worthwhile effort are now being accepted. Remember, without your generous gifts, they stay here ..... with us!