Elves:
This end of year edition finds me at day 281 of my forced confinement. It's commonly known that there is typically a spike in bouts of depression and suicides around the holidays, but fear not cherished ones, my demons are not that dark. However, my banishment from the grey, bland halls of the great cartel, where creativity goes to die, is not without its downside. During this most holy season of receiving giving, as I peer out of the window of my cell and gaze longingly on the fresh snowfall that blankets the exercise yard, visions of Christmases past dance mockingly before me. Where in prior years my wallet overflowed with my employer's largess, the current iteration may more accurately resemble a habitat for moths.
Notwithstanding this unfortunate turn of events, and lest this post devolve into a baleful moan, I've decided to pick up our collective spirits by publishing my 3rd annual End Of The Year Awards. This much anticipated and generally ignored vapid acknowledgement of those most deserving of notice has become a late-year staple of this publication. So, before the spirits kick in and I drift into the Texas sunset with my lil' blond cowgirl, let's get to it. Yes, I know, the following is low hanging fruit.
Gaffe Of The Year Award - Prior to this week, this was no contest. Paula Deen's unfortunate nomenclature, under oath no less, seemed to be the clear winner of this category. However, a dark horse (or, in this case, duck) appeared from nowhere to claim this prize. Phil Robertson, the patriarch of what can most charitably be described as an inbred cabal, opened his beak just long enough to rewrite not only conventional thought, but history itself. Phil shared his views with GQ Magazine (oh, how the mighty have fallen), and ignited a predictable firestorm of outrage and rebuke. Can't we all just get along?
DB Of The Year Award - <Editor's note; here he goes again> I'm sorry, but naming Justin Bieber for the 3rd consecutive year seems less a display of personal bias, than a slam dunk. Loyal readers know how repulsed I am that this little POS occupies even the slightest corner of my consciousness but OMG, this guy's a shoo-in. How can anyone top the year that was the Bieb's 2013? First, he gets into a dustup with another of nature's mistakes, Dennis Rodman, then he's photographed having his minions carry his anorexic lil' frame up the Great Wall of China. In the meantime, the translucent one got caught exiting a brothel, stiffed a Las Vegas sky diving company, and wrote in the guestbook at the home of Ann Frank, "Hopefully, she would have been a belieber.". And we wonder why others hate Americans.
Breakthrough Entertainer Of The Year - Ladies and gentlemen, make way for Rebel Wilson; no, I really mean, make way for Rebel Wilson. I'm intrigued by the success of someone who's appearance so obviously flies in the face of our national obsession with va-va-voom. I fear however, that this adult version of Honey Boo Boo, will remain just that - a caricature who is forever fated by typecasting. How many Herman Melville novels can there be?
Political Disgrace Of The Year - In a year that saw politicians embarrass themselves in historic proportions, it was impossible for our panel to select only one winner. As such, both National and International winners were named. On our shores, the finalists were David Petraeus, Anthony Wiener, aka Carlos Danger, and our eventual winner, San Diego Mayor Rob Filner. It seems that 2013 was a banner year for sexual scandal, but M-Rob rose above the rest; his dalliances (sexual harassment - 18 women!) were notable in their own right, but pleading guilty to a felony (false imprisonment) and 2 misdemeanors (battery) were accomplishments we could not ignore. Sir, we salute you!
The international winner was more straightforward. Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is no stranger to these pages, and his eventual selection to the Hall of Shame is a foregone conclusion. However, his body (hehehe) of work is so astonishing, that it cannot be ignored. As attractive as it sounds, public drunkenness, illegal drug use and crack cocaine purchasing, is not a recipe for sound political leadership. His response/antics/contrition rise far beyond the political theater we've become accustomed to; that's what sets this Canadian bacon-breath apart, and garners him our award and admiration disgust.
News Story Of The Year - Let's see, in 2013 we saw a Papal retirement, a renuntiato, the selection of a new Pope, the unprecedented NSA leaks, courtesy of Edward Snowden, yet another government shutdown, a terrorist bombing in Boston, the arrest of an NFL player for God knows how many murders, the George Zimmerman and Jodi Aries trials that transfixed the transfixable, and the FUBAR that was the Affordable Care Act's rollout. While these were all riveting in their own way, the birth of Prince George, for me, was the grand event of the past year. It was this, above all other events, that had the greatest disparity of incidence and effect for the billions that seemed incapable of escaping the royal euphoria. For unto us a child is born, unto us a (future) king is given.
Well lads and lassies, there you have it. Both my glass and inspiration have run dry. I intend to hunker down and enjoy the joyous season ahead, and I trust that you'll do the same. Until next time, take your vitamins, stay in school, and remember Speed in your nightly prayers. Your beloved poster will return in the new year, with the gift that keeps on giving - the renewal of your subscription to this award winning ramble. Merry Christmas.
Duis te...........
Gerunds:
Inasmuch as we find ourselves at the confluence of the two most high holy holidays, Thanksgiving and Christmas, it occurred to me that I might employ a little known and lesser used time saving device - the COMBOPOST. Simply, this relieves me of the drudgery that entertaining the feckless has become, by combining two posts into one, in somewhat of a mensan mosh pit.
During this time of year, my schedule typically becomes ever more daunting, what with the inexorable, layer upon layer creation that my Christmas gift list (yes, even Speed writes a letter to Santa) has become insistent bleating of my readership for more and more updates. As such, I've decided to merge two of my most popular and beloved year end missives: listing that for which I'm most thankful, and providing Christmas gift suggestions for those that I deem most deserving. Hold on tight kids, this may be a bumpy ride.
I'm Thankful For: The newest breed of celebrity; those whose antics delight and amaze us. This year my favorite is Toronto Mayor, and erstwhile Hunter Thompson wannabe, Rob Ford. This was a slam dunk. Who knew that our neighbors to the north had the capacity to produce this larger than life (and frankly, larger than most SUVs) political cartoon? Like most of you, I thought Canadian entertainment peaked with Wayne & Garth. This fugitive from the Macy's parade makes Marion Barry seem reasonable. Almost makes ya proud of Linda Thompson, doesn't it?
Christmas Gift Suggestion: While a week or two at Betty Ford (no relation) seems immediately appropriate, I believe that shining an even brighter light on this dim bulb, would be amusing. I'd like to see Rob-O get his own reality show, wherein his expansive <snicker> talents could be more fully utilized. ***Before you mock this line of thinking, believing that ship has sailed, check this out; http://www.mediaite.com/online/rise-of-the-ford-nation-rob-fords-tv-show-is-coming-back-on-youtube/ apparently I'm an opinion shifter in the Provinces as well.***
I'm Thankful For: The Affordable Care Act; yes it's true, Obamacare, as it's become known has, to this point, operated under the mantra "Half-Assed Or Not At All" had it's ups and downs. I know that the overwhelming majority of users experienced significant problems with the website and the phone lines, but now that this centerpiece of presidential legacy is back on the rails, I love it! Where else can a citizen receive tax credits that he/she has no hope of earning, to pay for the majority of the cost of programs he/she has no hope of qualifying for? I love this country!!!!!
Christmas Gift Suggestion: Because it's going to take some time for the rest of the country to discover what a great initiative this really is, our president will, no doubt, be hounded by nay-sayers for the rest of his term. What he needs is a game changer <hackneyed Beltway adage alert>; the Whitehouse needs a new puppy! Nothing changes the electorate's mood faster than a new bundle of fur, romping around the Oval Office. It worked the last time the government was shut down.
I'm Thankful For: Celebrity Revivals; it's said that a nation's character can best be judged by how it treats its elders. In today's "what have you done for me lately" society - where what's valued most is the newest, shiniest, most sparkly media sensation, it's truly heartwarming to see the return of center stage of some of our most beloved celebrities of yesteryear. Jenny McCarthy, Kirstie Alley and Ruben Studdard are once again regaling us with their (well worn) particular brands of entertainment. But this year's biggest, most shrieking return to center stage is Michael Bolton. C'mon, hands up; who doesn't want to stick ice picks in their ears go out and buy a Honda?
Christmas Gift Suggestion: Admittedly, MB has discarded his trademark mullet for a more fashionable, 21st century do. However, I fear that there is something Samson-esque going on here. His legendary swoon-inducing vocal styling seems oddly amiss - now replaced by a lip synching squawk. Not to fear, America; I've arranged a gift membership with Hair Club for Men, and a lifetime supply of Rogaine. Hang on Michael, help is on the way.
I'm Thankful For: The Pennsylvania State Police; this leather-legged crime fighting force cracked one of the most complex cases in recent memory. You'll recall that on May 9th of this year, a mysterious conflagration occurred, enveloping several cross-ramps of Interstate 81 and Routes 22/322. After a mere 216 days of rigorous investigative effort, our Commonwealth gumshoes determined that excessive speed was to blame, charging the 52 year old truck operator with 3 separate summary traffic offenses, including travelling at an estimated 48 mph in a 40 mph zone. It's unclear whether the fines imposed will cover the estimated $13 million repair costs, but regardless, justice has been served.
Christmas Gift Suggestion: The alacrity with which our highway guardians investigated this incident, painstakingly developing leads from the scarcest of evidence, is remarkable. As such, I believe that nothing but our collective heart-felt gratitude need be given. With regard to the repair costs, they too will be accounted for by virtue of the recently passed/signed highway bill - you know, the one that adds about $ .28 to each gallon purchased. We'll have that baby paid for in no time.
Well, insomuch as I'm rapidly losing steam and interest, this'll about do it for now. I fully expect to pen at least one more, year's end edition, but that depends entirely on my social schedule. Christmas is a magical time for me; it's the one time each year when I can pause, and receive for a change - a welcome respite from the constant give, give, give of the first 11 months of the year.
Et Verbum Caro factum est, et bonum ad omnes nocte....
Earthlings:
Prepare yourselves for the strongest intellectual stimulation possible without a prescription. Like you, my loyal, devoted, marginally obsessive readers, I am a product of my environment - specifically, the time, place and circumstance of my formative years. Conceived in the forties, born in the fifties, and raised in the sixties, my early years were that of privilege; raised primarily by nannies and au pairs, I was consistently educated beyond my station - exposed to academic and life experiences afforded to only the entitled - thereby producing the renaissance man you have before you.
A large part of this cultural osmosis was driven by the television shows, comic books and movies of the period. As I recall those halcyon days, those which left the most indelible marks on me were ones whose main characters were Super Heroes. Recalling the exploits of Super Man, The Flash, Batman, The Hulk, The Green Lantern and Captain America, still stirs the fires of imagination, first lit within that dear sweet boy years before. 
Since then, I've made the most of my earth-bound existence, blazing trails and leaving lessers in my wake; however, there's always been that tug - that small, incessant yen to break these mortal bonds with which I've been cursed - and harness the super powers that I genuinely believe to be my birthright. Conspiratorial events (read, the bite of karma's dog <Felaheen reference>) of the past 8 months have unwittingly aligned to provide me with ample opportunity for fantasy, most of which involve my acquiring some amazing ability, and parlaying that into some delicious retribution for my persecutors channeling that to benefit mankind.
It is in this vein that I've determined to reveal some (certainly not all) of my fantasies if this ilk. I believe that harnessing these powers for good, is yet another demonstration of my societal largesse. While others seek to enrich themselves or accumulate power and status, I've chosen a different path. <Editor's Note: Once again, Speed evidences his uncanny ability to master the obvious.> In this tome, I'll reveal my innermost thoughts, - until now, sequestered in one of the many dark, hitherto inaccessible regions of this mensan vault. As a public service, the following are my most desired super powers, and their most likely application for the greater good.
SUPER VISION - For purposes of this writing, I'm discarding the traditional visual acuity, as well as x-ray vision. Rather, I would prefer the ability to see people and things as they really are, rather than what they appear to be. Blessed with this powerful gift, I'd be able to immediately identify smarmy disingenuousness before it's too late. This would prove especially helpful every year in May and November, thereby saving us all a lot of trouble - kinda like being able to identify which cars are lemons before you buy them, which, though considerably easier, would also prove useful.
SUPER STRENGTH - This is more straightforward; I would love to have a Hulk-like physique and power of a grizzly bear. Of course, I'd use it responsibly, saving scores from a laundry list of perils (catching falling buildings, stopping runaway trains, etc.); but I'd also provide a significant boost to our flagging economy, by single handedly reviving the Carnival Side Show industry. Think of all the jobs that would be created by once again, returning theses bastions of affordable entertainment to the masses. Thousands would find employment as ticket takers, barkers, vendors - and many more currently under-employed freaks/geeks would once more find themselves in demand by a gawking public, by now addicted by network television to sad, cruel spectacles.
SUPER HEARING - This one is trickier, as I shudder to think what would happen should this ability fall into the wrong hands. Though I'd never be tempted to listen in on anyone's private conversations, and frankly cannot fathom why anyone would, the temptation would nonetheless exist. To guard against this, I would inundate myself with the conversations of everyone; the resultant tsunami of auditory stimuli would prevent me from focusing on any one person. This selfless act is not without benefit though; as I'd, in theory, be able to hear everyone speaking to everyone else - and in so doing, learn what's happening in everyone's lives - I'd no longer be slavishly devoted to Facebook.
SUPER SPEED - I know, I know - this sounds suspiciously like the moniker acquired from my many admirers; however, I've included this, as I have never shown particular celerity, and believe that this power could be used to make a huge difference in our collective quality of life. Upon encountering one of the feckless clods who believe that wearing their pants at half mast offers us all the opportunity to marvel at their dopey underwear, I'd move in at lightning pace and pants him. Naturally, these cretins will have no idea what's just happened, so their feet will continue to shuffle and ultimately, result in a nasty fall. These occasions will continue until trolls the world over are too terrified to continue this dim-witted fashion statement, and return their waistbands to a more appropriate latitude. You're welcome!
SUPER INTELLECT - Actually, this one already resides in my tool box. I suppose the best use for this is to continue offering sage counsel and serve as an encyclopedic reference source for all. Knowing me is like going to college, and information I offer typically qualifies for CEUs. <Editor's Note: Sigh.>
There, don't you all feel better now? Just musing about the possibilities gives me sweet dreams. But alas, as is too often the case, I'm jolted back to reality by yet another bleating harangue. So that's all for now children; take heart though, as I vow to drift in and out of your consciousness with several more posts before the end of the year. So, until next time, settle in by the holiday fire and stay warm. Mane devotior meo daemonia.......
