Gifts That Keep On Giving

Gerunds:

     Inasmuch as we find ourselves at the confluence of the two most high holy holidays, Thanksgiving and Christmas, it occurred to me that I might employ a little known and lesser used time saving device - the COMBOPOST. Simply, this relieves me of the drudgery that entertaining the feckless has become, by combining two posts into one, in somewhat of a mensan mosh pit.

     During this time of year, my schedule typically becomes ever more daunting, what with the inexorable, layer upon layer creation that my Christmas gift list (yes, even Speed writes a letter to Santa) has become insistent bleating of my readership for more and more updates. As such, I've decided to merge two of my most popular and beloved year end missives: listing that for which I'm most thankful, and providing Christmas gift suggestions for those that I deem most deserving. Hold on tight kids, this may be a bumpy ride.

I'm Thankful For: The newest breed of celebrity; those whose antics delight and amaze us. This year my favorite is Toronto Mayor, and erstwhile Hunter Thompson wannabe, Rob Ford. This was a slam dunk. Who knew that our neighbors to the north had the capacity to produce this larger than life (and frankly, larger than most SUVs) political cartoon? Like most of you, I thought Canadian entertainment peaked with Wayne & Garth. This fugitive from the Macy's parade makes Marion Barry seem reasonable. Almost makes ya proud of Linda Thompson, doesn't it?
Christmas Gift Suggestion: While a week or two at Betty Ford (no relation) seems immediately appropriate, I believe that shining an even brighter light on this dim bulb, would be amusing. I'd like to see Rob-O get his own reality show, wherein his expansive <snicker> talents could be more fully utilized. ***Before you mock this line of thinking, believing that ship has sailed, check this out; http://www.mediaite.com/online/rise-of-the-ford-nation-rob-fords-tv-show-is-coming-back-on-youtube/ apparently I'm an opinion shifter in the Provinces as well.*** 

I'm Thankful For: The Affordable Care Act; yes it's true, Obamacare, as it's become known has, to this point, operated under the mantra "Half-Assed Or Not At All" had it's ups and downs. I know that the overwhelming majority of users experienced significant problems with the website and the phone lines, but now that this centerpiece of presidential legacy is back on the rails, I love it! Where else can a citizen receive tax credits that he/she has no hope of earning, to pay for the majority of the cost of programs he/she has no hope of qualifying for? I love this country!!!!!

Christmas Gift Suggestion: Because it's going to take some time for the rest of the country to discover what a great initiative this really is, our president will, no doubt, be hounded by nay-sayers for the rest of his term. What he needs is a game changer <hackneyed Beltway  adage alert>; the Whitehouse needs a new puppy! Nothing changes the electorate's mood faster than a new bundle of fur, romping around the Oval Office. It worked the last time the government was shut down.

I'm Thankful For: Celebrity Revivals; it's said that a nation's character can best be judged by how it treats its elders. In today's "what have you done for me lately" society - where what's valued most is the newest, shiniest, most sparkly media sensation, it's truly heartwarming to see the return of center stage of some of our most beloved celebrities of yesteryear. Jenny McCarthy, Kirstie Alley and Ruben Studdard are once again regaling us with their (well worn) particular brands of entertainment. But this year's biggest, most shrieking return to center stage is Michael Bolton. C'mon, hands up; who doesn't want to stick ice picks in their ears go out and buy a Honda?
Christmas Gift Suggestion: Admittedly, MB has discarded his trademark mullet for a more fashionable, 21st century do. However, I fear that there is something Samson-esque going on here. His legendary swoon-inducing vocal styling seems oddly amiss - now replaced by a lip synching squawk. Not to fear, America; I've arranged a gift membership with Hair Club for Men, and a lifetime supply of Rogaine. Hang on Michael, help is on the way. 

I'm Thankful For: The Pennsylvania State Police; this leather-legged crime fighting force cracked one of the most complex cases in recent memory. You'll recall that on May 9th of this year, a mysterious conflagration occurred, enveloping several cross-ramps of Interstate 81 and Routes 22/322. After a mere 216 days of rigorous investigative effort, our Commonwealth gumshoes determined that excessive speed was to blame, charging the 52 year old truck operator with 3 separate summary traffic offenses, including travelling at an estimated 48 mph in a 40 mph zone. It's unclear whether the fines imposed will cover the estimated $13 million repair costs, but regardless, justice has been served.

Christmas Gift Suggestion: The alacrity with which our highway guardians investigated this incident, painstakingly developing leads from the scarcest of evidence, is remarkable. As such, I believe that nothing but our collective heart-felt gratitude need be given. With regard to the repair costs, they too will be accounted for by virtue of the recently passed/signed highway bill - you know, the one that adds about $ .28 to each gallon purchased. We'll have that baby paid for in no time.

     Well, insomuch as I'm rapidly losing steam and interest, this'll about do it for now. I fully expect to pen at least one more, year's end edition, but that depends entirely on my social schedule. Christmas is a magical time for me; it's the one time each year when I can pause, and receive for a change - a welcome respite from the constant give, give, give of the first 11 months of the year.
Et Verbum Caro factum est, et bonum ad omnes nocte....