The Envelopes Please

Elves:
    

This end of year edition finds me at day 281 of my forced confinement. It's commonly known that there is typically a spike in bouts of depression and suicides around the holidays, but fear not cherished ones, my demons are not that dark. However, my banishment from the grey, bland halls of the great cartel, where creativity goes to die, is not without its downside. During this most holy season of receiving giving, as I peer out of the window of my cell and gaze longingly on the fresh snowfall that blankets the exercise yard, visions of Christmases past dance mockingly before me. Where in prior years my wallet overflowed with my employer's largess, the current iteration may more accurately resemble a habitat for moths. 
   

Notwithstanding this unfortunate turn of events, and lest this post devolve into a baleful moan, I've decided to pick up our collective spirits by publishing my 3rd annual End Of The Year Awards. This much anticipated and generally ignored vapid acknowledgement of those most deserving of notice has become a late-year staple of this publication. So, before the spirits kick in and I drift into the Texas sunset with my lil' blond cowgirl, let's get to it. Yes, I know, the following is low hanging fruit. 
 

Gaffe Of The Year Award - Prior to this week, this was no contest. Paula Deen's unfortunate nomenclature, under oath no less, seemed to be the clear winner of this category. However, a dark horse (or, in this case, duck) appeared from nowhere to claim this prize. Phil Robertson, the patriarch of what can most charitably be described as an inbred cabal, opened his beak just long enough to rewrite not only conventional thought, but history itself. Phil shared his views with GQ Magazine (oh, how the mighty have fallen), and ignited a predictable firestorm of outrage and rebuke. Can't we all just get along?

DB Of The Year Award - <Editor's note; here he goes again> I'm sorry, but naming Justin Bieber for the 3rd consecutive year seems less a display of personal bias, than a slam dunk. Loyal readers know how repulsed I am that this little POS occupies even the slightest corner of my consciousness but OMG, this guy's a shoo-in. How can anyone top the year that was the Bieb's 2013? First, he gets into a dustup with another of nature's mistakes, Dennis Rodman, then he's photographed having his minions carry his anorexic lil' frame up the Great Wall of China. In the meantime, the translucent one got caught exiting a brothel, stiffed a Las Vegas sky diving company, and wrote in the guestbook at the home of Ann Frank, "Hopefully, she would have been a belieber.". And we wonder why others hate Americans.
 
Breakthrough Entertainer Of The Year - Ladies and gentlemen, make way for Rebel Wilson; no, I really mean, make way for Rebel Wilson. I'm intrigued by the success of someone who's appearance so obviously flies in the face of our national obsession with va-va-voom. I fear however, that this adult version of Honey Boo Boo, will remain just that - a caricature who is forever fated by typecasting. How many Herman Melville novels can there be? 

Political Disgrace Of The Year - In a year that saw politicians embarrass themselves in historic proportions, it was impossible for our panel to select only one winner. As such, both National and International winners were named. On our shores, the finalists were David Petraeus, Anthony Wiener, aka Carlos Danger, and our eventual winner, San Diego Mayor Rob Filner. It seems that 2013 was a banner year for sexual scandal, but M-Rob rose above the rest; his dalliances (sexual harassment - 18 women!) were notable in their own right, but pleading guilty to a felony (false imprisonment) and 2 misdemeanors (battery) were accomplishments we could not ignore. Sir, we salute you!
     The international winner was more straightforward. Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is no stranger to these pages, and his eventual selection to the Hall of Shame is a foregone conclusion. However, his body (hehehe) of work is so astonishing, that it cannot be ignored. As attractive as it sounds, public drunkenness, illegal drug use and crack cocaine purchasing,  is not a recipe for sound political leadership. His response/antics/contrition rise far beyond the political theater we've become accustomed to; that's what sets this Canadian bacon-breath apart, and garners him our award and admiration disgust. 
News Story Of The Year - Let's see, in 2013 we saw a Papal retirement, a renuntiato, the selection of a new Pope, the unprecedented NSA leaks, courtesy of Edward Snowden, yet another government shutdown, a terrorist bombing in Boston, the arrest of an NFL player for God knows how many murders, the George Zimmerman and Jodi Aries trials that transfixed the transfixable, and the FUBAR that was the Affordable Care Act's rollout. While these were all riveting in their own way, the birth of Prince George, for me, was the grand event of the past year. It was this, above all other events, that had the greatest disparity of incidence and effect for the billions that seemed incapable of escaping the royal euphoria. For unto us a child is born, unto us a (future) king is given.
 
     Well lads and lassies, there you have it. Both my glass and inspiration have run dry. I intend to hunker down and enjoy the joyous season ahead, and I trust that you'll do the same. Until next time, take your vitamins, stay in school, and remember Speed in your nightly prayers. Your beloved poster will return in the new year, with the gift that keeps on giving - the renewal of your subscription to this award winning ramble. Merry Christmas.

Duis te...........