Musings From The Unemployment Line

Worker Bees:
     Well, it's been nearly a month since my career did a spot-on impersonation of the Challenger disaster. Since then, I've spent most of my time considering the implausable circumstance in which I find myself. Though contemplative thought is an obvious byproduct of a superior intellect, it remains nonetheless a fairly unmarketable skill.
     Of coeval vicissitude, is the stark reality that the market for older folks, nearing the end of their useful life well-seasoned mensas, with an inordinate gift for hyperbolic rhetoric, is a narrow one indeed. As such, my efforts to re-employ myself have, to this point, engendered results that might charitably be labled dismal. I also bear the burdon of maintaining a certain joie de vivre, that my demons have come to expect. It ain't easy bein' me - this is harder than it looks.

     Thankfully, the gods have gifted me with an abundance of pomposity ingenuity and self-reliance. This is evidenced by my decision to pursue a different course. It seems that traditional career paths do not present the opportunities necessary to support my self-indulgent lifestyle; therefore, I shall pursue non-traditional avenues to acquire gainful employment. Having divined such, I feel compelled to share my epiphany with you, my ardent supporters and lucky subscribers.
     With the past four weeks to guide me, the following represents those career paths which I believe hold for me, the most promise - and my reasoning for each:

* Proofreader - Since most days begin with a laser-like scan of the daily paper, it's an uncommon occurance if at least a half-dozen errors/typos aren't discovered. I cannot imagine that the good folks who publish our local pulp aren't getting down on their hands and knees - praying for someone to rescue them from their fecklesness.





* Stalker - It's apparent that I am completely unnoticable; what other explanation could account for the consistent indifference with which my multiple resume/application submissions are met? I could simply follow folks around (with no malice intended, I assure you) and remain unrecognized - regardless of the length of the assignment.

* Plastic Bag In The Tree Collector - This is a perfect springtime assignment. My daily wanderings reveal a plethora of these pesky polymers; so, rather than join the raucous rabble in their useless complaints about this mischief of Mother Nature, I'd actually do something about it. Imagine a world without plastic grocery bags hung up in the branches of trees - you're welcome!

    
Consider this the most unorthodox resume you've ever seen. My salary requirements are quite negotiable; however, a generous benefits package remains a birthright. Serious inquiries only......